First of all I have to say this is my first time on any kind of help forum, and my first time really telling my story. My friend who is a rape survivor, told me to reach out and get some help. So hear I am.....

A little over a year ago, I was having a great day with my brother and all of his friends for my brothers bachelor party. We got a big suite to celebrate in. We went out on the streets to go bar hopping. I had some drinks and met a guy. Me, my brother, his friends all started talking to him. They invited him to go back to the hotel with us. I think they thought they were being wing men for me. I thought, maybe he'd have a drink or two. Maybe we'd kiss and he'd leave. My intention was not to have sex. So I wasn't worried about it. So that's pretty much what happens. Except the guys, literally push me and this stranger into a room together and shut the door. He was in the Navy and his name was Ryan. I really didn't know anything else about him other then that. So we layed on the bed. We were both drunk. And I think this is why till this day, I was able to discount what happened. I was in denial for the last year. I simply just told myself I just got taken advantage of. As a way of not admitting to myself that it was really rape. But I digress. So we layed down. We started kissing. He started getting handsy with me. He moved his hand to my underwear. I moved his hand away, and told him "no, I'm not the one night stand type of girl" he continued to kiss me. Then he tried to take my pants off again. I said, no. Again. He asked why. I said, I just don't feel comfortable sleeping with a stranger. So eventually he tries it again. I kept moving his hands, and saying no. At this point, I just stopped fighting it. I just felt like, no matter what I said, hes going to get what he wants. So I just let it happen.

Now I struggle with the word "let".... Did I really let it happen? I did say no multiple times. I did move his hands! At what point does the man take some responsibility and actually stop? Was this really rape? Or was it a bad one night stand misunderstood? There's so many ways to look at it... Why didn't I try harder to fight him off? Why didn't I just yell to my brothers friends next door? I've been over this, and over this a hundred times. Sometimes I accept that it was rape. Sometimes I think I'm over thinking it and try not to think about it. But when I told my therapist what happened. She told me, I was dissociating from it. Basically I was in denial. Now almost a year and a half later, I'm having dreams of rape, every night. I find myself, sad and crying at the slightest thought of what happened that night. And now that I've started dating again, I've noticed that I'm very closed off to men. I'm not affectionate at all, and I'm having a very hard time opening up to men beyond a friendship level. I feel like now I'm going through the "grieving" process of what happened. I don't really know what to do with how I feel. And that's why I'm on here. Thoughts, and advice would be great.