This is actually very hard for me to do. I dont like talking about this to anyone but I need a little more support. 20 years ago I was raped. And in a very bad way. It happened after a really bad week of not sleeping because my younger brother was stealing my car and I stayed up to try to catch him. I was up for 3 days straight. When I got home from work, I got into a very bad argument with my mom. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with her in the house, so I went a friend's house.  This guy had been my friend since elementary school (about 15 years). I trusted him completely. I explained what was going on and asked if could get a few hours sleep there. Sure, no problem. I have no idea how long I was asleep before he started to mess with me. I'm a very heavy sleeper and this time was no exception.  When I woke up, I knew something was very, very wrong.  My clothes were off and my body felt dirty and used. I got out of there fast. I started to get flashes of things, bad things. It was then that I realized that while I slept, he had raped me. The most horrible part of all was that my body responded and participated in it. I can partially accept that it wasn't my fault but guilt and shame still haunt me to this day. I am in therapy and working with a wonderful woman on accepting myself, what was done and to forgive myself for what i see as a mistake.  I went through some horrible times right after this happened.  I was taking 4 or 5 showers a day because I felt dirty. I had to try to deal with it on my own. I couldn't talk to my mother and didn't know there was help out there. I pushed it all away and boxed it up and put it the basement of my mind's house and tried to forget it. The box finally refused to stay closed and in the basement and became the elephant in the room. By this time I had been divorced twice, in and out of numerous relationships with this box of undealt with trauma poisoning each one. My current boyfriend has stuck with me through my fight to gain to control over my trauma and has supported me in every way. He keeps telling me that I am worth it, even when I don't think I am.  I am still struggling with the guilt and shame that I've felt all these years but I'm slowly learning how to deal with it and to fight it off. Slow, painful and wearisome but worth it all the same. I never did tell my mom about this but I cant bare to lay it on her knowing that she would feel guilty about the argument and that she let me leave. It's my burden to bear, not hers. She did nothing wrong. So I'll go to my grave not telling her. My boyfriend and therapist both understand that and support me even if they dont feel the same way. I'm finally starting to talk about it to others and maybe by having been there myself, I can help someone else.  Any comments or questions, I will answer.