is the hard part of talking about your past experience because of the embarassment of it all? for me it was and when i was in therapy, it took alot to overcome the embarassment part to really open up. just a thought. im open for trying to help you if you want.

like you, i was a victim of my brother (and other family members) for years. then went on to experience several other instances of rape and sexual abuse in my childhood and life. i am only now, as an adult, doing the counseling bit. people tried to get me to do it earlier, but i couldn't. had too much shame because my abuse involved family members, because i was a male victim, and because i'm gay so i thought they'd think that meant i wanted it. instead, i punished myself for years with drugs and other self-harming behavior. i think a big key to therapy is finding the right therapist. not everyone with the credentials is going to be a good match for you. it's taken me nearly a dozen tries to find someone i m comfortable really talking to. i felt like a lot of peopl were dismissive, judgemental, or just biding their time with meand not really interested in helping me or hearing what have to say. surprisngly i have ended up with a straght male counselor who is an abuse survivor himself. we clicked, right away. he understans where i'm coming from, he listens to me and seems to alwas know what to say and suggest, and he takes extra time with me when i'm having bad days. i don't even get pissed at him when we butt heads and have disagreements about stupid things i've done or how i could've handled things better.
don't be afraid to tell a counselor, "i don't think this is a good ft, i want to look for someone else."
it's a very personal thing you're doing and this your healing and mental health at stake...everythng needs to be JUST right.
i hope you can find someone compatible for you...or get past your barriers. maybe you should try writing it down before you say it outloud, that sometimes helps me, too. and so does remembering a thing my counselor told me, "never worry about what you're going to tell me, i've always heard worse."
*hugs*

Hi. Yeah a bit off it is embaressment. The best off it is that I do have a really good counsellor. I couldn't really ask for anyone nicer but I do feel like she is always compareing me to everyone else. I have tried counselling before a few years ago and couldn't speak at all back then so for me knowing what I was like back then I see this as progress. Unfortunately I don't think my counsellor gets that. I do write in between sessions and take my journal with me.

Hi heidi,
What your trying to do is force the hurt away, it will work for awhile and then you will fall apart unless you start to deal with it. Talk to your counsellor try memmory word assotiation. you would be surprised by hearing certain words or stories how they effect you. I found I packed it away for years then all of a sudden watch a halll mark card I started cry and could not stop this went on for three weeks. I had a nervious break down and after that started slowly dealing with things. Try to work through your rape therapy with journalling let her read your journal back and see how the words trigger things for you. Good luck isabee