so u would think ur home would be a safe place and that ur father was supposed to protect u but in my case my house was a hell hole and my sperm downer (father) was a molester. my fourth grade year started out like a normal kids like happy out-going fun, but that didnt last long i started going to school crying was loosing all my friends teachers coming up to me asking me whats wrong and i would always tell them that i just got in a fight with my family unfortunately they believed me and so no one knew what i was actually going through and my feelings. well like i was saying my life started to be a living hell my fourth grade year i woke up to the sperm downer about to rape me clothes all down the whole nine yards i would tell him to stop it hurts and he says to shut up its not supposed to hurt its supposed to feel good. well not for a little girl as young as i was let alone with family.he threatened me that if i would tell anyone he would kill himself because he wouldnt be able to handle jail or prison day,weeks,months,years go by and im still getting raped but at this point it started to be molesting nothing would stop him unless my mom was home or my brother was awake or with his friends other then that i was raped almost everyday of the week he still threatened me and not only all of this but i wasnt able to be real close to anyone he lied to me about my mom brother anyone i would talk to i got in trouble if i went in my brothers room to try to play video games with him he tried saying he would let me do something i wanted since he got what he wanted by force. one day i was actually able to go to a friends house but of course i couldnt go there with out getting hurt he smacked me i will admit he hits like a little bitch but still.we were forced to move because of him and i do have to admit that there has been a few good things happen since i moved here my mom finally had enough of his bullshit arguments and kicked him out for maybe a month or so i had to go and visit him at his place and the abuse kept happening even though he lived in the back of his brother and nephews house so for three months i refused to go and spend time with him of course my mom was getting curious at the time but she only thought it was cause my uncle has a lot of friends over and both them and his friends would get drunk and smoke pot . i had enough of getting hurt even though the abuse stopped for those last three months. it was either i grab the guns he would pull out when he threatened he would kill himself and personally kill him or do this so i text my closest friend whom i had to keep a secret and i asked her if she would be able to come over to my house i have to talk to her about something thats very important she got really concerned called me up crying asking whats going on please tell her that im not acting myself and she doesnt want to wait i told her just please try to come over i have to talk to u and its too important to talk about on the phone next thing i know i have a text from her saying im really worried about u dont do anything stupid please i will be there shortly (im so thankful for her) the whole time im waiting for her to get to my house i stood outside crying and starring off to space of course i seen her vehicle coming i wiped my tears and tried to act like myself as much as possible we went straight inside and i said im just gonna skip all the bullshit i have something i have been wanting to tell u for years but u know how i was limited to talking to u and i had to pretty much keep u a secret well thats cause ever since fourth grade the sperm downer has been molesting me i didnt know how to tell u but i really need some help he needs to get what he deserves i had other options but this seemed like the best i had to tell someone but please dont tell anyone else i am really scared and worried that i told u and i dont know what he would try and do if he found out i told of course she had some questions and she promised me she would never tell unless i told her she could maybe a week after that my friend asked me if she could at least tell her mom and i told her yea but no one else i have to try to find the best way to tell my mom well that same night her mom asked me if she could talk to my mom that she wants to get it to were he gets what he deserves but that she cant help me if i dont do anything so she tells my mom and of course my mom comes to me balling her eyes out.anyways a week if that goes by and i woke up to the sperm downer poking me in my back which i had turned towards him and honestly i think i jumped up and off my bed for a min he threatens hes gonna take my dog away i started screaming in his face this whole time my moms was there trying to get him to get out of my room and they start fighting he turns to me and says that he guesses he cant see his own daughter anymore but i will take ur dog and a strand of ur hair there i go again screaming in his face i see him raise his hand about to try to smack me and i punched a whole in my wall i turned to him and said i should have done that to ur face now leave he trys taking my dog and i flip out i put my dog in my room he then gets pissed off and walks onto the porch and i slam the door in his face. the cops finally found him (he was trying to hide) and locked him in jail and i went through court that lasted a few months i chose to go up on the stand cause i knew that would be the better choice he did get life in prison and i had alot of supporters to this day i still fell like im ugly and that i want to kill myself cause i dont think i can go on and as crazy as this sounds everytime i got suicidal thoughts i always end up talking myself out of it i have more then one nightmare a night major depression i am talking to a counselor once a week though i dont know if i mentioned this but he also was telling me storys of him and my mom trying to get me to sneak in there room and watch them he would also show me naked pics of my mom... by the way the rape stopped at the end of my 7th grade year and i am now a sophomore i find myself thinking all the time that my older brother was my savior cause anytime he was home awake or with friends sperm downer never tried anything i just want to be able to get all this to were its not always on the top of my mind i know i well never be able to forget about it :( .....sorry for the long story but i just needed and wanted to get my story out and hoping that maybe it will help me start to get over it and get some advice cause theres still some days that its like look at that knife thats a lovely knife maybe that will do the job please do not judge. one of my statements in my victims letter thing was at the end i put it was nice talking to u guys but i have to go start my new life my lawyer really liked that statement and asked if he could read that out loud not only did that help but i have been getting more involved with the kc casa groups i also was able to make a statement on the radio and that got some stress off of me cause i knew by putting that out there that it would help the victims that are to worried or scared to tell anyone and get help to come out and get the help they deserve cause no one deserves this to happen to them