I have never experience the Zombie like feeling, but I do understand getting raped more than once . But it is not your fault yes there is probably a dozen ways you could've tell yourself that would have stopped it . The thing is no matter what you could have done what you could've said the moment you said no or whatever it is that you may have said or done to show you did not want that or even if you did not say anything and it was forced upon you IT WAS NOTHING YOU COULD'VE DONE and you did absolutely nothing wrong. If you ever need help or just want to talk I'm here we all joined this support group for a reason right ?

Thank you. I feel as though I have been spiraling out of control. I suppressed it all for so long and thought I could handle it, but have realized I can't do it alone.

Never ever think that something like this is your fault the real problem is that we don't teach our boys not to rape but instead we teach girls how to not get raped we have to many disgusting pigs like that out there never blame yourself

Hi Paulie13,

My name is Jordan. I am 27 years old. I, too, was raped multiple times by different men from when I was 15 to age 18. I struggled with the same questions you are asking yourself and I have found an answer for you. There is a theory in psychology called "learned helplessness". You may have heard of it. None of your experiences with rape were a result of some deep rooted "wanting it" or flaw, or weakness, or any other reason other than the men that raped you hurt you and are guilty of a crime.

Learned helplessness is a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or "persistent failure to succeed". Learned helplessness can lead to a development of negative beliefs about one's abilities, and a tendency to take on blame when things go wrong. The condition often occurs from a lack of control, either real or perceived, over one's situation. Rape is the epitome of lack of control. I believe the reason behind your multiple rapes were first and foremost, TERRIBLE LUCK, as well as learned helplessness.

As for your "zombie" state, you are experiencing what is called "dissociation"- which is an INCREDIBLY COMMON result of being raped. Dissociation is described as:

1. The splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of
consciousness, as in amnesia.
2. The psychological sensation of of separating or state of being separated from one's body and/or environment.

Let's talk about dissociation a minute: It's technically a defense mechanism—we separate out of our memory things that we don't want to or can't deal with. In trauma (like abuse or rape), it's helpful to survive the pain which you felt during the rapes, as well as after. Women like us describe dissociation as a numbing or a spacey feeling, you describe it as "zombie-like". We either don't feel something OR we are too spaced out to do much about it. In the middle of a traumatic event, spacing out and numbing is a good thing. Even as adults, I still advocate that there are times for 'therapeutic dissociation.' Like in a root canal—who wants to be 'present' and 'aware' for that? But the problem is that dissociation becomes largely un-managed. Then it becomes downright dangerous to us--robbing us of our ability to be aware, in-tune, and vigilant, our ability to show up to our college classes, or work, or healthy social engagements. If your feelings of dissociation persist, you REALLY need to see a therapist.

For now, follow these tips to help you stay grounded:
https://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/adult_hmptsd.pdf

If you need anything else, please let me know. You ARE NOT ALONE. I have been exactly where you are and I have been able to move on and become a successful young woman. Love to you on the journey ahead.
-J