Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
HI everyone its been awhile.
As ive fallen deeper into addiction its been harder to bring myself to write or do much of anything healthy for that matter.
But ive drawn alot , pain really does fuel some amazing art. Life imitates art tho doesnt it ?
Since the rape, ive used every single day progressing from 5-10 mg Vicodin/ percocet a day to as much as i can get of anything. The assault along with all my other stresses and trauma is just too much to handle right now. Right now i just have to focus on barely holding on to my job and relationship.
That's another thing , I kind of lost it after the assault, wouldnt have sex with my partner at all for a few weeks then started to feel nothing but pure hate towards him. I then went on this spree of sorts and slept with 6-8 different men. More or less , i cant really remember , cant remember most names or much of what happened. Mainly because i was highly sedated and in most instances i was passed out or not in control while they just did whatever they wanted. I overdosed. Ruined a few relationships , but they where assholes anyway. I got drunk and was wrestling with my ex boyfriends friend, but i remember it vividly , but i didn't want to believe it was real , like a dream or something. And next thing u know both my ex and his friend have my pants down smacking my ass, i was weak from hunger and pills, alcohol. I turn around and my ex is standing there laughing to his friend smacking me and stuff. I crawl onto the floor off his mattress trying to get away trying to pull up my pants and his friend pins me to the floor as my ex LEAVES THE ROOM . Im trying to say "bill" (his name ) but mumbles is all i cud mutter.I panic , thinking OH MY FUCKING GOD NO , NO !!! I CANT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, WHY WOULD HE JUST LEAVE ME ???!! I was so hurt by that. Even as my ex we were really close friends. I trusted him. I flipped around with all my energy that i had left and looked at him , as if a single stare, strong enough would change his cruel intentions. He pulls puts his hands down my pants. He only got as far as oral assault before my ex walked back in , i look him in the eye, a lone tear streams down my cheek and he is mad at me . He walks out. That is what happened . The next day i test him and tell him i cant remember a thing , and he lies about the entire thing. Says i attacked his friend , grabbed his genitals. Started beating him up. And i was moaning. That is not at all what happened . I said "hmm . how does a small , intoxicated woman take such advantage of a grown, sober man. Why did you just sit there and watch this then? Either one of you could have stopped me in a seconds notice if this was true , but neither did. I am not a violent drunk for one never have been and i certainly wouldnt make sexual advances infront of someone else, thats disgusting." He had no answer. That Loss Hurt. Since then i can feel physical pain in my chest .
I Met my ex gf in a motel room , we drank , danced, some guy puked all over the floor and when he passed out i drew a face on his asscrack. We havent talked in 4 years after she betrayed me 2 fold. That night she cheated on her gf with me . Almost had sex with me until our ride suddenly wanted to leave. She told me about her heroin addiction, her prostitution stage, etc... I miss her and love her like fucking crazy.
Why do i fall so easily for lost souls ? Is it because i can relate ? Do i cause my own pain and drama ? Why do i give it all for the worst people? I could go on with stories, you can call me a whore, whatever you like but they certainly didnt pay me . No one ever has and if they did it would have made more sense. What do i get in return ? A pregnancy/ std scare? I believe women are assaulted and made to have sex when they dont want to much more than they realize. I think more men than we realize love that idea , that they got what they wanted and she didnt, that shes just a slut , a peice of skin with no substance, no worth. They can do anything they want to her as long as they say the right mixture of words. And she will feel no matter what that it wasnt forced, it was special even if it didnt last for very long because he said i was beautiful and funny, smart.
Not all assault and rape is violent and threatening. In some instances youre just being plane robbed and made a fool. Stripped of your self worth little by little. But do you even really care ? As long as it gets you attention , noticed for a moment .? Most women dont even realize whats really behind it all.
Fuck.
As ive fallen deeper into addiction its been harder to bring myself to write or do much of anything healthy for that matter.
But ive drawn alot , pain really does fuel some amazing art. Life imitates art tho doesnt it ?
Since the rape, ive used every single day progressing from 5-10 mg Vicodin/ percocet a day to as much as i can get of anything. The assault along with all my other stresses and trauma is just too much to handle right now. Right now i just have to focus on barely holding on to my job and relationship.
That's another thing , I kind of lost it after the assault, wouldnt have sex with my partner at all for a few weeks then started to feel nothing but pure hate towards him. I then went on this spree of sorts and slept with 6-8 different men. More or less , i cant really remember , cant remember most names or much of what happened. Mainly because i was highly sedated and in most instances i was passed out or not in control while they just did whatever they wanted. I overdosed. Ruined a few relationships , but they where assholes anyway. I got drunk and was wrestling with my ex boyfriends friend, but i remember it vividly , but i didn't want to believe it was real , like a dream or something. And next thing u know both my ex and his friend have my pants down smacking my ass, i was weak from hunger and pills, alcohol. I turn around and my ex is standing there laughing to his friend smacking me and stuff. I crawl onto the floor off his mattress trying to get away trying to pull up my pants and his friend pins me to the floor as my ex LEAVES THE ROOM . Im trying to say "bill" (his name ) but mumbles is all i cud mutter.I panic , thinking OH MY FUCKING GOD NO , NO !!! I CANT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, WHY WOULD HE JUST LEAVE ME ???!! I was so hurt by that. Even as my ex we were really close friends. I trusted him. I flipped around with all my energy that i had left and looked at him , as if a single stare, strong enough would change his cruel intentions. He pulls puts his hands down my pants. He only got as far as oral assault before my ex walked back in , i look him in the eye, a lone tear streams down my cheek and he is mad at me . He walks out. That is what happened . The next day i test him and tell him i cant remember a thing , and he lies about the entire thing. Says i attacked his friend , grabbed his genitals. Started beating him up. And i was moaning. That is not at all what happened . I said "hmm . how does a small , intoxicated woman take such advantage of a grown, sober man. Why did you just sit there and watch this then? Either one of you could have stopped me in a seconds notice if this was true , but neither did. I am not a violent drunk for one never have been and i certainly wouldnt make sexual advances infront of someone else, thats disgusting." He had no answer. That Loss Hurt. Since then i can feel physical pain in my chest .
I Met my ex gf in a motel room , we drank , danced, some guy puked all over the floor and when he passed out i drew a face on his asscrack. We havent talked in 4 years after she betrayed me 2 fold. That night she cheated on her gf with me . Almost had sex with me until our ride suddenly wanted to leave. She told me about her heroin addiction, her prostitution stage, etc... I miss her and love her like fucking crazy.
Why do i fall so easily for lost souls ? Is it because i can relate ? Do i cause my own pain and drama ? Why do i give it all for the worst people? I could go on with stories, you can call me a whore, whatever you like but they certainly didnt pay me . No one ever has and if they did it would have made more sense. What do i get in return ? A pregnancy/ std scare? I believe women are assaulted and made to have sex when they dont want to much more than they realize. I think more men than we realize love that idea , that they got what they wanted and she didnt, that shes just a slut , a peice of skin with no substance, no worth. They can do anything they want to her as long as they say the right mixture of words. And she will feel no matter what that it wasnt forced, it was special even if it didnt last for very long because he said i was beautiful and funny, smart.
Not all assault and rape is violent and threatening. In some instances youre just being plane robbed and made a fool. Stripped of your self worth little by little. But do you even really care ? As long as it gets you attention , noticed for a moment .? Most women dont even realize whats really behind it all.
Fuck.
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