I am new to this group as well as to this website. I am learning so I hope this post actually posts.  My rape story is maybe different from most on here.  My rapist was not a stranger or a blood family member. It was my husband of 5 years. We had been together for almost 10 years before I had the courage to leave.  I have heard that during the leaving phase of the relationship it can be the most dangerous time for a woman to leave her abuser. Well for me the 4 times I had left before I felt like I was in danger. The 5th and final time I left on December 1, 2016 I wasn't scared nor did I feel like I was in as much danger as I had been before.  I left an emotionally and sexually abusive man who had molested me and forced himself on me for 2-3 years. Things really started to change with him when i was pregnant with our son. I filed Janurary 13th of 2017. This was a huge day of victory for me. It still did not fix the hurt i felt. Some how after every assult he made it seem like it was all my fault and that since I was his wife that it was not sexual assult or rape that it was totally ok to do to me because I was his wife. It was like I had to submit to him because it was my duty. He never heard no, he never listened to me when i flippled out and would tell him to not touch me. It hit me yesterday and today that all of the abuse I had been going through was actually rape not just well maybe it was rape. This realization has taken me weeks to process and it hit me like a mac truck and I could not stop crying. It's very hard to accept that the man you loved and trusted with your world did not love you or respect you in the same way. He was suppose to love me, cherish me, support me, protect me, be loyal to me and stand up for me. He never did any of these things. He used me in every way he possibly could. He controlled me in every way he could to get me and the money meal ticket to stay. Men like him want to have power and control over their mate. This is something that I had to give into to keep myself and my son safe. I never felt safe in my own home. I was scared, angry, depressed and so alone and I felt like no one heard me or understood me or where I was coming from. I was suicidal for sometime during all of this as well. He never even cared and probably would have been happier if i had killed myself. The feeling of being alone in your own home and marriage is something that is so hard to discribe and undstand. I am a very strong and independent woman who picked an abusive  and manipulative empty man to spend my life with and that is my fault. He tried to break me down in every way possible and he almost won. How he treated me was his fault. Im on the path of healing which I'm thankful for and I have some great friends who have been a huge support to me. Has anyone else out there experierenced this? If so how have you coped and what tools helped you heal and move forward with your life? I need help and advice to help me process all of this as well as help me feel like i am strong enough to love again and beloved again.