As a man, it is hard to "out" myself about my past experiences with going from boyhood curiousity to molestation, incest and various rape situtations that have haunted me for decades but only recently been flooding me with recently diagnosed mental illness conditions and symptoms. Only over the past few years have I been waking in the middle of the night from flashbacks, nightmares, sweats, chest pains and other symptoms on a frequent basis requiring medication (or at least trying) and therapy but so far not much is breaking through the conditions that have escalated over the past three years to the point where I am pretty much homebound and in constant fear of nothing and everything. It's HELL.  Estimates indicate that one in six boys are sexually abused (various degrees) by the age of 18 which is almost an epidemic when you think about it. How many of us males of the past, present and future will endure the long - term affects from the various types of abuse... and that's just talking sexual abuse without talking about emotional or physical abuse, which can be equally devestating. I am trying to remain hopeful that I can "heal" from my childhood sexual abuse journey (ID name: CSAJourney) but I sometimes feel so out of control with my emotions, depression, PTSD, OCD, and so many fears (anxiety) along with the frequent panic attacks.

Perhaps my living hell comes from the phrases that I was conditioned to hear for years... "Don't Tell," "Or Else," and "Nobody will believe you." The biggest problem is that the "I don't believe you" continues to haunt me when I have tried (in the past) to share my stories. Not having proof of events from 40+ years ago brings about so much shame, blame, self hate, guilt and more emotions that are hard to explain. When I read stories on the news about child abuse, the question to the victims and survivors often emerge, "why didn't they tell?" and I *KNOW* those answers from my own experiences. So, many of us sit for decades thinking we have put closure to the past and seem to live "normal" lives by trying to block it from my memories and certainly by not talking about it with others. So many other phrases comes to mind... "you like it" and "you know you asked for this." ... I hear those phrases over and over in my mind. 

I was on a few support groups where members would tear about every story and comment with some hurtful replies. The one that stands out most was when I mentioned that I was a rape victim on multiple occasions by multiple partners would told that would near "improbable." Just because a person has not experienced what I have does not make it improbable. I had other support members rush to my defense but it did not stop what a horrible thing to reply to when I had sat here writing and crying as I recollected my stories. Some people can be so cruel especially on things they know nothing about. I wish I could write a book on my experiences to maybe shed light to other victims and survivors of the long term effects of abuse and rape but so fearful it would fall into the wrong hands of people (yes, they are out there) who prey on survivors for their own fantasies or whatever pleasure they receive from other people's pain.

If you are/were a victim of male rape, do not keep silent! I speak from experience. I still carry the guilt of wondering how many others were abused by my abusers. That is a hard thing to cope with as the years and decades pass.

I don't know if I will ever fully heal from the emotional, physical and sexual pain and symptoms but I am trying to keep an open mind that I can put closure to it and have my "normal" life back again without the flashbacks, nightmares, depression, guilt, shame and everything else that has flooded me over the past few years.

To others (male and female alike) please know you are not alone. Please believe this was not your fault. Please take the time to get help because it's the silence that hurts more than anything... the feelings that nobody will believe you. I believe you. You cannot change your past but you CAN change your future. The abusers no longer have the power over you. It's time to take your life back to enjoy it instead of punishing yourself for it.

I'm sorry to ramble. It feels good to have a "safe space" here to out myself and hopefully bring a sense of positive for all of our futures.