It's taken me so long to open up about some of the things that really, really shamed me about my rape. I was raped multiple times over a 4 month span. I don't remember how many times I was raped, but it got to the point where I really didn't even fight much. Last year, I opened up for the first (and really only) time, about the fact that I thought I started to love him. I thought (like an idiot) that if I could somehow make him fall in love with me, then we would get married and then it wouldn't matter that he took my virginity because he would be my husband...........ok, I was dumb. And other shameful stuff happened during this time too, and even before..............before he raped me, he was assaulting me. And when he first assaulted me, I had never even been kissed before, or touched, or anything....he forced me to kiss him, and did all kinds of things............and he even fingered me....that was the first time I had ever been touched, and I started moaning loudly, which is why he stopped (this was happening inside my house...).....I'm ashamed that I liked it....and even more shameful, that was when I learned to masterbate.....I just did what he did to me. It's so sickening thinking about this shit (excuse my language)..............and also, one of the times he raped me, like half way though the 4 months, it started as rape....but then I started liking it.....and I slowly stopped fighting back and trying to resist....and I slowly started to let go and actually enjoy it, but something stopped us and he had to leave without finishing.....I was terrified of the fact that I started to like it. There are so many things that happened and so many thoughts that happened that I am ashamed of.....and I have been thinking about it for the past 2 or 3 weeks....I think I'm gonna talk to my counselor about it, but Idk.....I've just been feeling really down and upset lately, especially because of my past..........I need to get it all off my chest, but I don't want to be judged or looked at differently......I'm feeling really bad right now...