When I was 22 years old; I entered the Job Corps to study nursing, because it was the only way I could figure out how to afford to go to college. There, I got involved in an extremely abusive, unhealthy relationship. My abuser stalked me when I broke up with him, and physically assaulted me; but was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive. After we were together for a while I stopped eating and developed Achalasia (a swallowing disorder) because of the stress caused by the abuse. I started having panic attacks and extreme anxiety that eventually left me unable to even drive a car without having a horrible panic attack. I started seeing a therapist there, but couldn't talk about the things I was going through... I was just so confused and scared. I was protecting him in a way.. But mostly I was protecting myself; I didn't want anyone to think there was something "wrong" with me for staying in an abusive relationship.

After we broke-up (he eventually abandoned me because I went on Social Security Disability because of my Achalasia, and  because he quote-unquote didn't want a "disabled girlfriend.") he continued to stalk and harass me online. One time he told me that he broke up with me because he wasn't attracted to me anymore; and another time he told me he was "never sexually attracted to me." 

Those statements seem inconsistent with our relationship, and my experiences of our relationship... (he was always all over me... in a way that made me feel uncomfortable) But I think there may have been a grain of truth to them. My abuser knew that I was a virgin and that I didn't want to have premarital sex... We were engaged; but before that he told me that sex "wasn't everything" in a relationship, and seemed to agree with my decision to remain pure until marriage. But other times he would tell me he wanted to "eat me out" and that he would "destroy" my vagina. One time; when he was angry at me he told me, "I'll rape you until you love me."

We never had consensual sex for the entire 3, almost 4 years we were together; (we were in the Job Corps for the first two years where sex was prohibited, and I was bedridden with Achalasia for a year after that; and of course I was dedicated to remaining a virgin until marriage) but when we were together for only 9 months I went home with him for the Thanksgiving vacation because we were engaged and he wanted me to "meet his family." 

That night we drank ALOT of alcohol... Again, I was a virgin, and I never drank before that night. My abuser sipped his cup casually... While filling mine up more times than I can count. (We had beer, then wine coolers, then real wine that night, I feel like it was partially my fault that I drank so much... Because I felt like I had to "prove" to him that I could drink; which was obviously a mistake in retrospect... I thought that I could trust him.) One time when he filled up my cup he took it into the bathroom with him and I heard two or three little "plop" sounds... I thought (for some reason?) that he had added a few drops of water to my drink... But I didn't hear the faucet run.

I only have very vague memories of what happened after that, but here's what I remember: 

I remember giving him oral sex. (The first time I ever did that.)  I remember him getting on top of me, and trying to take off my pajama pants three times, but each time I said "No, stop." I remember him taking off my pajama pants and pulling my underwear off and one of my socks. (I also remember waking up without socks the next morning.)

I have only vague memories of him sticking his fingers and tongue inside me, and performing oral sex on me... But I for a long time I couldn't tell if this was a dream/fantasy or not, it was hard to accept this very clear vision as a memory, when I tried so hard to suppress it as some sort of vivid dream or nightmare. I also have very clear memories of where we were though; of the bed and room that we were in, that we had the lights out and of the light from the tv reflecting off his arms, face and body; as he was doing it. I think I blacked out then, or was going in and out of conscious.

What I remember about the next morning is waking up to his smiling face... I remember that he was smirking at me; but was trying not too. (He kept smiling in a really creepy and disturbing way, and then tried to hide his smile.) I asked him right away if he had "touched me" when I was sleeping; and he said "Yes." But only admitted to touching my breasts and butt. I was afraid to ask any more questions... I didn't want to know anymore than that.

I remember distinctly looking into the mirror and knowing that something was "wrong" with me, but I couldn't place it or make sense of it... I remember going to the bathroom the opening of my vagina felt extremely sore; and that, when I was walking, that the inside of my body felt like the first time that I inserted a tampon (incorrectly.) I almost fainted because of the pain.

I remember that I was NOT on my period; but the inside of my underwear were spotted with blood.

(This part is extremely explicit, but necessary: Later... After we went home to the Job Corps, I tried to touch myself, and the inside of my vagina was rubbed completely raw.. I couldn't masturbate after that, {yes, even virgins masturbate} at first because of the pain; and then later because of dissociation. I couldn't stand living in my body... Much less looking at it or touching it; and I've never felt like that before.)

What bothers me most about this episode is that I felt like I was "set up"; that my rape wasn't something that "just happened", but was premeditated from the start.

I also want to add that there was absolutely no "implied consent" because I distinctly remember him trying to pull my pants down three times and each time I said "No."

[Additional Notes:

Sometimes I think, because of my age at the time and because I was dating my abuser/rapist, that sometimes people think it's "not as bad" as when other virgins are raped, but that is absolutely untrue. Although I was old enough to understand what sex was, I was also extremely inexperienced. (Because, psychosexually, I was still a child/teenager) He was my first serious boyfriend, and I absolutely never wanted to have premarital sex with him or anyone else for that matter. (Let alone being drugged and violently sexually assaulted while I was unconscious or sleeping.)

I think the idea of purity and chastity are so out-dated in society that sometimes only "slutty" (those who have had sex before) or "child" (those who have no knowledge of sex) rape victims are ever acknowledged; when in reality it's totally natural for a woman to be sexy and comfortable in her sexuality but still want to remain a virgin until her honeymoon. 

Society doesn't accept that there are still "good girls" that exist in this world, and that being a good girl who doesn't want to be raped or have premarital sex (but is still sexy and feels comfortable being so) is a totally legitimate decision that isn't just imposed upon us by religion, tradition, or the morality of others, but is a completely legitimate individual choice to make.]