Today for the first time i felt like my rape was actually NOT my fault. That is after my boyfriend and i split two days after the one year anniversary of my rape.

December 2 2016 i was raped by someone who i considered a friend. Sounds pretty silly right? No, not actually. I found out that most victims know their rapist more times than not. We had dated in the past and hooked up from time to time. We had consentual sex several times. He appeared to be a very cool, laid back guy. He was funny. We spent a lot of time laughing at memes and we even went to clubs and bars together a few times. During this time we both made it very clear to each other that we were going to pursue a "No-strings attached" type of deal. Meaning it was all just fun and games. No intentions on having a real realtionship. We even talked to each other about the other people we were dating as well. He gave me advice on certain situations as i did the same for him regarding the ladies he dated. It seemed like the type of friendship we had was real because even though we were dating other people we were still able to remain cordial wiithout getting jealous about what the other person was doing. Kind of like friends with benefits.

This only held strong for about a couple months. After a while things started to change. I did not feel the same anymore about having casual sex with multiple guys. Even though it was "fun" it started to have a negative effect on me. I decided to stop having sex and dating all together. That included my "friend" with benefits. I told him that i was not interested in that type of realtionship anymore and he seemed very cool with it. He reassured me that we could continue to be friends because he felt that our friendship was more than just sex.

Fast forward to 6 months later. I started dating a guy who really caught my interest. I explained to him how i honestly did not want to have sex and i just wanted to get to know him. He was cool with it and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even though i was hesitant i agreed. 5 months later we were falling in love with one another. On december 2, 2016 as i waited for my boyfriend to get off work i decided to go to a store. Thats where i saw my old "friend" he looked like he had been working out since the last time we saw each other. He saw me and became very happy. He told me he had been out of state getting his life together. He asked me for a favor if i could give him a ride to his new place. Even thoughi felt like i should not have agreed i said yes anyway. I took him to his house where he asked me to come inside and look at how he decorated it. I told him that i did not want to take too long, and that my boyfriend was waiting in me to give him a call. he begged me and said please and he told me how he had been working really hard to get his space together. I finally gave in.

Inside he showed me around, he had a few friends there as well. All males. I went in a i spoke to them they were friendly with me. I sat down on his red leather sofa and took a look arounf his place. Wow, it reeally was pretty nice. He had a nice sized TV in the living room where his friends were playing a video game. 2K i believe. After a while, the conversation became dry and i wanted to leave. I got up and said "Hey your place is nice, but i have  to get going it is getting late." he acted as if he were going to walk me out of the side door and thats when he oushed in into a bedroom and closed the door behind him. He began to grab on me and started trying to touch in between my legs. He began saying things like "I've missed you" and "c'mon your boyfriend does stuff like this too" I tried pushing him off and just laughing it off i told him i did not want to have sex with him. Picked me up and body slammed me on the bed a few times. I did not know if he was just playing with me or if he was being a jerk but i became scared at that point. I just wanted to leave. He started to pullmy pants down and i was holding on to them. We struggled with my pants for what seemed liek forever. When my private area became exposed i got even more scared. Thats when i started to yell "RAPE" he started to laugh. Maybe he thought i was joking, but we never played like that before. Ever. he began to put his weight on me nd held my arms criss crossed over my head. and froced himself in between my legs. Thats when he started penetrating me. I remeber saying to him "but i thought we were friends" i even spoke up his daughters name and he did not stop. I was on my period that day as well. Which did not deter him at all. After it was done he fell on the ground with a look on his face that i will never forget.

As soon as i got up i told him i was telling my boyfriend. He says to me " Don't tell him because i do not have a problem killing your boyfriend" i was terrified. he looked at me and said "You wanted that just as much as i did" "didn't it feel good" "We can hook up like we use to and he doesn;t have to know"

I told my boyfriend that night and he was completely devastated. He did not eat food for a whole day. he could not stop thinking about it as i begged him not to retaliate against my attacker. I feared he would kill us both. I guess that made it even worst because i did not tell anyone this for over a year. Last week my boyfriend and i split. He never really recovered from it and i also believe he thimks i may have put myself in that predicament. we were together for 18 months and i feel like he never believed my story. He is not speaking to me right now, he has blocked me and has been totally ignoring me. I dont know why he didnt just dump me when i first told him about this instead of leaving me one year later.

Today i realized how many people victim blame in this society. Today i realized that my rape was NOT my fault and that you must get consent from a person EVERYTIME even if you used to have sex with them in the past.