Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
My stomach was showing. I was in tight pants. I was black out drunk and in the streets of a big city. I didn't mean to be, I don't usually get that drunk. He chose me. He yanked down my pants and I told him "No" as I pulled them back up. He pulled them down again, said "comeon baby" and put it in anyways. I was too drunk to push him off. Too drunk to really concpetualize what was happening. But not too drunk to say no. Not too drunk to ask him to stop. Not too drunk to try and pull away (and fail by force) as he pounded my throat as I almost puked on him.
The next day I was numb. My mind told me it was a one night stand. I had never had one before so I expected to feel some type of way about it. But I felt virtually nothing. It wasn't until I told my best friend the next day; "I had a one night stand but I said no and he did it anyway" that it sunk in that I was raped.
Then the symptoms started to seep in. I felt my skin crawl every time a man got too close to my personal space and anxieties started to arise. All men began to transform into this terrifying, horrid beasts in my eyes. I blamed myself for getting too drunk (something positive I want to come from this is to never get so drunk again). And the thought of wearing anything that used to make me feel confident terrifies me. 48 hours ago... what else will start to seep through? What new scars will I find?
I just want everything to go back to normal. I don't want to have triggers or difficulties getting close to someone. I wish it really was just a one night stand.
I don't really remember his face.
I definitely don't know his name.
I'll never forget his voice.
Why is it that victims are so ready to blame themselves first? So ready to not want to press charges?
It is NOT our fault for getting too drunk. A woman should be able to walk down the street wearing whatever she wants, blackout drunk and still be able to say no. Or still be able to do that without some predator abusing her. She should always have control over her body.
We shouldn't let a predator's penis and actions define how we see ourselves. Or our bodies. Of course, this is easier said than done. But I struggle with how this defines me. It shouldn't. Who we are today is all that matters. Yes, it's now a part of our story (something that I HATE). But I want this to make us stronger, wiser, BETTER. He's already taken so much, don't let him take more pieces of us. He doesn't deserve anything.
You are not disgusting. HE is. You're a girl who just wanted to drink and have some fun, and unfortunately a lot of men prey on that.
Life is shitty. There's a lot more of it to live, too. All we can do is learn from the shitty stuff and try and find the beauty. Day by day things will get better.
Something a friend told me -- no matter what she says, it's my battle. This is my path to salvation. But she knows I will find happiness... I will be okay.
And you will, too. One day, you'll be curled up on a Sunday morning in bed with someone who deserves your body and your love. They will hold you and make you feel safe. And that day, you will be a stronger woman. You already are. Though you may feel weak now, you've been through something awful and you're still here. That makes you strong.
Please message me if you ever want to talk. We have to be here for each other.