Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Hello Everyone,
This is the first time I am writing out my story so please bear with me. I went on a date with a very attractive guy. My gut told me that this may not have been the best idea, but I decided not to listen. So we went out to dinner, he is older.. I am 21 and he is 24. He kept asking me to go back to his place for a movie. I was really hesitant and he kept saying that if I cant trust him to not put his hands on me, that I am wrong because he wont. Mistake number one. I came over, 20 minutes later he was sliding off my pants. I said no, I said I was not ready, and he just kept unbottoning my pants. So he goes down on me, and I said fine, since he was already doing it, but I kept saying no sex, no sex, no sex, no sex. He kept begging, begging, begging, begging begging. I was laying on my stomach, trying to put my shirt back on and he tells me"please I am begging you I need you right now". Exasperated and unsure of what to do because he was drunk, I asked if he even had a condom. I never gave him permission. He grabs my legs and thrusts himself in me. And the strange thing is, I just laid there. I didnt run. I didnt fight. I just kept telling myself I was a whore. A filthy, filthy whore. So the next day he invites me over, and since I did not process the rape yet, I did. The second time he ripped off my pants, I said no, and he didnt even take off my panties. Then after he said he feels like he pressured me. I still feel bad. I accept that I was raped and am dealing with some PTSD. I jump when people touch me. I cant look at my body. I keep binging and I am not dealing with my emotions. Please help.
You should be able to have a guy go down on you and have that end there. Hell, anyone should be able to say no at any time (even DURING sex) and have that be respected.
I also didn't fight when it was happening. I was so drunk and I think something in my brain switched to autopilot and thought it was just sex. Maybe it was a protection mechanism. That doesn't make it any less a rape. We can't explain why our bodies react the way they do, but you said "no sex" and he had sex with you. That's not okay. And just because you didn't claw his eyes out to get him off of you, doesn't mean you let it happen.
The next day I thought my rape was a one night stand. I still hadn't processed it, and I had never had a one night stand so I just assumed the feelings were feelings of shame. I even contemplated seeing the guy again so I wouldn't have a one night stand on my record, but the thought of it made my skin crawl. So I completely understand, when you hadn't processed yet, going back to his house. Again, that does not make you responsible for it happening again. He even SAID he pressured you. That's downplaying it... you fucking said "no" again and he did it anyways. I'm so mad.
I also have symptoms seeping through. I was surprised that any time a man got too close to me my skin would crawl and I would feel anxiety. I see men now as these horrible predators who only want one thing.
I don't want to live like this. And I hate that you can't look at your body. He shouldn't take any more than he already has. You are beautiful. You are not at fault. And this does not define you. I was going to say it doesn't change you. But it does. I feel changed. But I want to be changed for the better. I want to be stronger from this.
We should be in control of our bodies. Yours is precious and beautiful and it cannot be redefined or ruined by one predator's actions.
Don't fight the feelings. As humans we have to process and feel to get over things. We can cry. We can scream. I've started journaling and it's helping. Maybe you can, too. Hate and blame HIM, not yourself. Treat yourself like you'd treat a friend going through this.
Be nice to yourself right now. Be so, so nice. Do all your favorite things. Eat your favorite foods and watch your favorite things. Be with the people who make you feel good. Pet a pup. You'll make it through. We will make it through. And we will be better. He can't take anything more from us.
Please message me if you ever need to talk!