A few nights ago an ex who is also the father to some of my kids came over. He is an ex because he abandoned me while I was pregnant and then once I had the babies I was determined not to have sex again until I was married. I decided to try a relationship for the babies when he wanted a relationship again but he kept trying to guilt me into sex saying things like "What is the point if we can't have sex?" and other comments along the same line. I have had poor judgement because of my past of being molested as a child and raped in high school so this time I was determined not to follow my poor judgement. When he came over it was to see his babies and I was just so happy to have someone helping me get them to bed and cook dinner for once that when he kissed me I didn't push him away. I kept telling myself he knows I don't want sex until marriage it is just a kiss.
Long story short is we had sex which I didn't want but couldn't seem to find the words to tell him no. It was like my brain shut down and my body acted of it's own accord. Acting out the motions like a robot and I hated it and hated myself. I swear the strange thing is I only remember parts of it too and what I do remember was pain. I kept saying to myself I need to stop this but it was like I was in auto pilot afraid of something but I can't even say for sure what it was. I didn't say no so this wasn't exactly rape. How could I do this? It seems that all this did was bring up when I was raped and bring back the nightmares.
I feel dirty. I feel horrible. I hurt from it physically and emotionally. I can't stop the nightmares but this wasn't exactly rape. I feel sick. Also I found out he was apparently engaged when he chose to have sex with me which makes me feel even worse about it all. Especially because my first ex the father of my first kids cheated on me resulting in the end of our marriage now I was probably the cause of the end of someone else's relationship. I didn't want it so why did I do it? I wanted it to stop so why didn't I stop it? How stupid could I have been? I feel horrible.
Now I can't stop the nightmares. I know he is going to expect us to get back together. I know he is probably going to expect sex too now and I just feel too scared right now to know what to do. I am still in love with him but I don't want to be with someone who knowing I feel so strongly about the no sex thing again until marriage didn't stop to ask me if it was what I really wanted. I feel so alone right now and I can't talk to any of my family because I am a disappointment as is being a single mom of five. :(
He is going to be angry and hate me if I tell him I don't want sex again until marriage. What if he tries to take the kids? All he kept doing that night was keep asking questions like what if he took the babies and I only got to see them once a week or once a month. At one point he talked about taking them for several months without me seeing them. These were made jokingly but I feel like they may have been part of the reason I did what I did.
Is there a way to get away from the fear of stopping sex? Any advice on how to talk to him without making him angry?
I am not even sure if my questions are making sense right now. I am just sleep deprived from my nightmares returning.