I was gang raped by three college guys at a party I went to back in June. I'm seventeen years old. I was in a car accident back at the end of April, and because I had been somewhere were I hadn't told my parents, I was grounded. I was ungrounded at the end of the school year; so, June. Being that the college was getting out for the summer as well, I went to many of those parties. I'm no where near a saint. At those parties- and all the parties I went to during the year, I would get drunk and I'd willingly have sex. However, the last party I went to, I was pumped tht it was summer and that I wasn't grounded anymore. So, I had a lot more to drink than I should have. I had been making out with this guy pretty much the entire night, and we were finally going to a more private room. We were about to have sex when two of this guys friends came barging into the room. I've already admited that I was wasted. I don't remember exactly what lead up to the rape, but I remember one second things were heating up just between me and this ONE guy, and the next I was being raped by three guys. One guy is standing with his back against the door. Another is covering my mouth with his hands, while knealing on my wrists; which are above my head. And the third guy is raping me. Then when that guy is done, they rotate- like I'm nothing- or not nothing. They are rotating like I'm a damn toy that they're "kind enough" to be sharing with each other.

After it first happened, I tried to pretend like nothing happened. I tried to believe that I was fine, but it's hard to pretend when my entire body was covered in bruises. I had big bruise lines across my wrists, and circle and full handprint bruises throughout my inner thighs, stomach, and chest. When the bruises finally faded, it was a lot easier to pretend like nothing happened. I could get through my day without having to reaply make up five times, or make up stupid lies as to why I'd have a bruise here and there. I was able to be "normal" again. That is, until my best friend confided in me that when she first moved to town, she went on a date, and the guy had raped her and gave her hepatitis. The moment she told me that, everything that I'd been trying to forget happened, came flooding back in, and I haven't been able to make it stop.

Before she told me, before it all started to consume me, before I had even been gang raped, I've had bad insomnia. I couldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I couldn't sleep when my family was home. Basically, I didn't sleep, I took naps- many naps every day, all day long, whenever I could. Now, now I rarely sleep. I've forgotten what sleep was- or rather, I've forgotten what a nap feels like. I sleep for maybe three hours a day. My parents leave at seven in the mornins; so I go to sleep then. But then i have to wake up at eight so I can get ready for work. Then I get off work at three, and my parents get home at five, so I go home and sleep for two hours, then I'm up until seven the next morning. I'm always tired.

But that's not even what's making me feel crazy- or maybe it's part of the reason, but the main thing that has me feeling crazy is how scared I am. Before this all happened, I got scared easily- but it was a funny scared. A type of scared that once you realise it was an accident or just a prank, you laugh about. But now? Now every little sound or quick accidental movement that occurs makes me scared to the point I just want to fall down and cry. Literally, about seven times a day, I get so scared, I think I'm going to vomit, and in that moment, I can also feel my legs turning into jello, and I'm searching for something to catch myself on because I just can't hold up my weight anymore because I'm so paranoid and teriffied. And while I'm holding back vomit, and trying to find my leg muscels, my heart is starting to race. It races so fast that I fear it's going to burst out of my chest. It races so fast that I forget how to breathe, and I'm quickly searching for my inhailer so I have a chance of not passing out. It's hard to get anything done- it's hard to do anything at all, but lay down, and just stare off into nothing.

I feel every emotion. I feel everything so powerfully that it hurts, but yet; at the exact same time; I feel absolutely nothing at all.... I fear that I'm going crazy. Nothing I've done has helped me to feel sane again. I've wanted to tell my best friend- the one who confided in me- but I can't help but hate myself for knowing I NEED her- for knowing telling her, will save me. I don't want her to save me- I don't want to NEED saving- but I fear that I do need it.