Sorry for the details. 
*- Dont read if you're easily triggered -*a

An older friend offered to give me a ride to school. When he got to my house I let him in and he came upstairs with me while I finished my makeup. Everything was fine, I wasn't worried.. but then he came behind me and started kissing my neck and touching me. I was 16 at the time and he was 21. We had previously expressed attraction to one another and unfortunately did exchange private images. But I had made myself very clear that I wasn't ready to do anything with him. I was a virgin. I pushed him off and told him I didn't want to do anything crazy. He kissed me and I let him, I didn't think it would go any further. He started trying to undress me. He was very pushy , I was very uncomfortable. I just didn't know how to say no.. he turned off the lights and he got ontop of me. I didn't know what he was going to do. He was only touching me at first but I was only in my bra and underwear and he pulled them to the side.. I didn't realize what was going on I truly thought he was just going to touch me. I didn't even notice him pulling down his pants. He knew I was a virgin and he did it anyways. I didn't say no, I did say "wait stop" but he only slowed down he never stopped. After that I just let it happen, I wanted to try and "enjoy" my first time. But all I could think was, how did I let this happen? This isn't how it was supposed to go. I was not ready. 

I had to pull myself together for school and decided to take the bus.

I convinced myself that it was a miscommunication and that it wasn't rape. I felt like I didn't have the right to call it that because I didn't fight it. I didn't push him off I just let him.. I felt easy. 

I didn't want to lose my virginity to a one time fling.. so I slept with him again, and again. Every time feeling more disgusting.

He started to be so controlling of me, obsessive almost. It's just now coming to an end after 6 months of him begging to come over. I'm so stupid for letting it last this long.