I don't know what to call it but I will describe it to the best of my ability and hopefully someone can tell me what this is. I don't know if it's rape or what or if I'm in the right place.

I'm almost 19. Matter of fact I will be 19 in a week. I graduated top of my class in high school I go to the best college in my state and I have the best boyfriend a girl could ask for but, I can't forgive myself for what happened when I was 14. The summer before my 9th grade year, I met some 17 year old boy who thought I was cute and we started to talk. Talking led to kissing and eventually touching. This was all new to me, as I never had a guy (definitely an older guy) be so into me. I was new to the neighborhood and he told me the do's and don'ts of the new school I would be attending. He was a drop out and said he didn't want to talk about why. Time went on and school started that august and I met a 15 year old boy (more my age) and became interested in him. A few weeks after school started the 17 year old called me up and asked me to come over. He took me to his room and asked me how school was going and if I found someone I was interested in. I told him about the boy I met. He told me that his birthday just passed and asked why didn't I call and tell him happy birthday (he turned 18). I told him I forgot and I was busy with school. He abrutly changed the subject and told me to take off my shorts. I was confused and hesitant but he told me to act grown up and quit being a baby. I stood up and he yanked the shorts down. I was ashamed to have my body exposed but he laid me on the bed and took my shirt off. He quickly reached in his pants and pulled out his penis. I was scared but I didn't move. WHY DIDN'T I MOVE OR SAY ANYTHING!? He positioned himself on top of me and tried to enter me but he kept going into my anus instead of my vagina. Then he realised he was in the wrong place (I still hadn't said anything) and moved upward. His penis kept ramming the spot in between my anus and vagina and he was getting frustrated. He finally got it to my vagina but he kept complaining about how tight it was. I still didn't speak. He kept shoving and I yelled out and he told me to be quiet, his mom might hear and we would be in trouble. He eventually pulled out and I immediately checked myself down there. No blood, but i was swelling. He glared at me and I hung my head. He said "Don't go talking about this because I didn't even get far in there. It's too tight. Are you a virgin or something?" It dawned on me that I hadn't told him I was, but it really never came up in our previous conversations and at 14 I didn't think of it too much then. I nodded. He told me lets go. We crept down the stairs, he turned off the alarm and I left out the front door. When I got to my house, I showered and cried and cried. I didn't tell my dad until well over a year later but it still affects me. I think about it from time to time and wonder why I was never able to forgive myself.