Hi... very sorry.. I remember everything you’re talking about...
self blame (I blamed myself hard cause after he hurt me so bad, I continued to invite him over to play... so I must deserve everything he did to me). Flashbacks, depression, over all scared, jumpy, cry at a whim... totally understand... first off are you seeing a therapist?
These thoughts and feelings, and ghost pain/feelings are normal... yes you are normal! You’re not alone either. I would say 99.3268 % ( made up the decimal part) of us have experienced the same thing.
When I was in high school, I thought about doing away with my self... but then I also didn’t want to create more hassle for the janitors, and paper work for the school, and maybe heartache for one or two students. Really don’t think teachers ... not the point..
looking back,though, I’m really happy I didn’t do that.. I am happily married to someone who understands triggers, and scaed, and anxiety, and I understand hers... we are both survivors of sexual abuse...
we have this totally awesome son who without being to overprotective with, ... sorry...
I’m saying there is hope, and things calm down... you need to find tools on how to handle situations. Therapy is good, others meditate, and rely on yoga, others sit down with a nice book, but the point is, finding what works for you. It’s not an overnight fix, it takes time. I’ve been on this site for over ten years, and its been over 35 years since my extremely bad stuff, then mild stuff ( in comparison to the bad stuff... it’s all bad stuff) yet, I’m still learning how to handle stuff... and I get triggered just walking into a grocery store that sells this thing he used... really bad during its season in the late summer, fall time...

Wow, what was I saying...
you’re not alone. All of us here understand everything you’re talking about.. and all of us here are in different places in healing. Please never compare your self to anyone else here, nor compare in a bad way to yourself.. it doesn’t help..
unless you look bad and say “ I have really come a long way from that time. I really enjoy things now!” Then comparing is cool!
Only share what you are comfortable with, never share private info ( address, phone, voip, real name or many other things...)
And if someone is pressuring you to talk about things before you’re ready, just block them!!

You’re totally welcome here!

Have you ever heard of rainn?

Rainn.org
They can help from where to start to where ever you are..

Notalone00

Thanks for the advise, I didn't sleep that well last night, but have spoken to my husband now, and he now understands my triggers a bit better. I have not heard of Rainn. Will take a look . hugs

It was not your fault. You are not responsible. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My attack happened over 20 years ago by 4 guys at a party. I was drunk and I blamed myself. This is something that helped me stop blaming myself, but was painful to do. Put your Mom, your Best Friend and your daughter in your situation. If it was them that this happened too would you blame them? Would you think that they didn't fight hard enough? No, this wasn't your fault just like it wasn't mine. Hugs