Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I just learned last night that my rapist died back in 2010.......and I smiled. I feel bad that I find relief in knowing he "got what he deserved." I wish he would have been locked away and forced to face what he did to me....but he's dead. I want closure. I WANT to know WHY he did it. I want an apology. I want to see him change into a better person. And I desperately want him to see who I WILL become in spite of what he did to me........but he's dead. I'm happy, but I'm angry. I feel so wrong. I'm a Christian and I thought I forgave him, so why am I happy at the news of his death? He ruined so many years of my life...I lost so much because of him...so many people, so much time....and more than anything, I lost myself. I'm just now really back on my feet and moving on. But right now, after hearing that news, I have so many mixed feelings.....but mostly, I know that I feel a little happy and a little angry....I don't recognize the rest of my feelings.
I also want to say, I haven't been able to forgive my rapist, and it's been 20years. So you young lady have managed something I only dream of. The thought of him being locked away, being gang raped every night has a horribly wonderful sound to me. I don't want to feel that way but I do, so you are a lot more mature than I am, and I'm probably twice your age.
Don't worry about all those mixed and unknown emotions, those are only natural. You have just found out the news, in time you will come to terms with it, and your emotions about it will settle down, and you will figure out just how you feel about it. Until then comfort yourself in knowing that no matter what happens next, and what emotions you have next, you are already doing better than I am. And, for that I commend you, and I hope you can inspire me to be better than I am.
Please don't be so hard on yourself... Its normal to be happy after hearing something like that.... Not just because he hurt you and there is a poetic justice of sorts. It is okay to be happy because you know with absolute certainty that your rapist will never attack you again. And that is something to smile about.
You may not be able to physically talk to him, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is easy to romanticize a confrontation with a rapist... You think that they may apologize and that they may have tried to atone for what they did by good deeds. While that may happen, realistically, he probably would have denied what happened, or maybe worse.
Its not necessarily true that you'll never have closure. With him gone, your closure can be on your own terms. Write him a letter. Put in all the anger, all the feelings you have in this note and burn it, bury it, etc. Think of it as a cleansing experience to put all of the mixed feelings at rest.