I've tried journaling my story and telling my closest friends and family my story. The emotional release and support I've recieved from them have been wonderful, but it's so hard to explain my feelings to people who have never been there. Thank you for the space and support. 

When I was 18, I went away to college in a big city. It might as well have been a different world from my own small hometown. All of a sudden, I was thrown into a frenzy of alcohol, parties, new friends, and expectations. On my first night at a party with a group of floormates, I met him. He was a junior, he was in the frat whose house we were at, he knew where the "good" beer was, he knew how to change the music to my favorite band, and he knew how to make me think I was the only girl he had ever done this for. Within an hour of knowing him, he had me shoved up against a wall with my his mouth on mine. Before that night, I had only ever pecked a boy on the lips. Already he was changing me and pushing me.

And from that night, he didn't stop pushing. If I wanted him to stay in my room with me one night, he would show up outside drunk the next day demanding to be let in. If I wanted to keep my bra on, he wanted it off. If I wanted him to leave, he would berate and complain and guilt me until I let him stay. If I did not want him to touch me when he was drunk, he'd grab me from behind or climb on top and do things until I stopped squirming or turning away. 

I would leave him with bruises covering my neck and breasts. I thought that was just what happened after you spent the night with a guy. The worst night of my life was when he forced me to do oral sex. He shoved my head down and would not let me go. I can still feel his hands and see him looking down at me with ice in his eyes. By this point in our relationship, I was so deeply depressed I thought this was what I deserved. 

This was 4 years ago, and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. I have seen a counselor and been medicated for my depression since then and am so proud of how far I've come with that illness. But I still cannot shake the pain I feel from this trauma. Some of the thoughts I think everyday are: It was just oral get over it, Maybe you're imagining everything, How could you let someone do that to you?, What did I do to deserve this? I go back and forth from feeling numb about it to pain and hurt so strong I want to scream. 

The flashbacks are the worst part. Having to relive and remember more of the awful things he did makes me want to turn off my brain. He is a predator who I know has done and continues to do this to other young women. Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night or stop thinking about if he is doing it to someone else right now. 

It feels incredible to share this story in a place with so many other people who understand. I would love any advice or feedback that anyone has to share.