hi val
I think all of our experiences with fear and abuse definitely cuase us stress and the fact that he abused you infront of others was demeaning. i am sorry he never should have gotten away with this. What kind of coach was he , a very bad one. I was not your fault you were little you could not help the fact that you were late you lived far away. he should have been more understanding i think that rape issue snad abuse issue run together in our minds , abuse is abuse and sometimes our minds cannot sort them out. In some cases it is good to fight off a rapist in other cases if you fight you get hurt worse, there is no right answer. We never know what a pervert is going to do , when they put there minds to raping you. How ever you handled yourself was the right way, there is no wrong way okay, i hope this helps you . I am here for you and will listen isabee.

Hi, Val,

What the coach did was wrong and was very much about power. You were just 11 and you couldn't stop him, You could have complied, but you'd still have ended up in the water.

The rapes were also about power. He could do it and he was going to. You could have fought back and ended up even more hurt.. Complying kept you safe, at least in one sense, and may have saved your life.

I'm so sorry your parents didn't support you or see the severity of he did. Maybe it was their way of coping, I don;t know. But I do know there response to you was unhelpful and traumatic in itself - the people who were supposed to be there for you - to make the world safe - were not and they let you down.

NONE of these three things were your fault. You didn't ask to be or justify the coach throwing you in the pool - he was a cruel cowardly bully. You were a little child. The rapists were cruel abusers too, you were a young woman scared and vulnerable, And your parents, those who you thought would always be there for you let you down.

None of these was your fault.

I wanted to add a further comment about the response from your parents as this, too, was a trauma and I wonder if you realise that?

When we are little, our parents are the centre of our world. We think they are the best, that they are invincible and will live for ever. They will protect us and fight for us and make us safe.

As we get older the rational part of our brain learns and know differently. But the inner child part, deep down, still believes it.

A couple of weeks ago i saw a TV documentary about paramedics. At one point they were treating the victim of a savage physical assault. 20 minutes later they were treating a man who'd fallen down a ravine while running from the police. He was the assailant in the assault. And this big "brave" bully was crying for his mum.

Deep within us all that child is still there. And when we are frightening, in pain or traumatised, she comes out. She wants her parents and she believes they will save her, they will make it right.

But your parents didn't. They minimised and dismissed what happened. But, to that child, that didn't make sense. You were hurting. You needed mum. She didn't come. So, you "must" have done something wrong - that's why mum didn't come (child logic - they are the centre of the universe and parents are always right). So it must have been my fault. I did something wrong - I didn't fight him off.

That's child logic, and it left you feeling it was your fault. Even though you did nothing wrong and didn't "ask" to be raped.

I really am sorry you were not really heard then. You are now. Godspeed on your journey to healing.

What the coach did is abuse. He was nothing but a bully. He was asserting and relishing his power over you, just as any rapist does. So I can see why the scenarios are connected in your mind. As isabee said, abuse is abuse. But please don't believe for one minute that any of it was your fault. I can see how your parents' lack of support might make you feel that way. But as Dr Beaker said, maybe tht was their way of coping. That was their bad judgement, not yours. I'm not sure exactly what your question is, but it seems like you're asking 2 things. 1 - Should I have not fought/ protested the coach & just let him throw me in quietly so it would maybe be less traumatic? 2 - Should I not have fought so hard dying my 1st rape? I think the answer to both is no, you did not overreact. If you had let the coach abuse you without protest, it would not lessen the humiliation and the feeling of having been abused. In fact, you would then be asking yourself if you should have protested more. Same goes for the rape, I think. Just know that none of it was your fault. You didn't cause any of it to happen. They were both bad decisions made by bad people.

Hi Valgal18,

the coach was wrong to physically assault you by twisting your arm like that and tossing you in like that. the audience factor doesn't help.

you are not to blame for his power issues. you are not to blame for a rapist's power issues. rape is about power and control over another person without their consent.

rape is never your fault. abuse of you is never your fault.. parental dismissal of abuse or incidents is not your fault. what others do is totally personal to themselves, not based on you..

i hope this brings you some sense of encouragement and ability to see others logic. please know that no one asks for rape to happen to themselves.

hope this helps, good luck.

It's not your fault, not at all. First, nobody has the right to touch at all without you saying yes to the contact, That swim coach surely had no right to ever put his hands on you...ever..especially when you are so young. You did the right thing by telling your parents and they should of when right to the principle or the police on your behalf.
That would be very traumatizing and it's understandable that it still bothers you because what that coach did was wrong on all levels.
You would of gone into the pool if he hadn't of thrown you in.. he was just being violent and thats not your fault.
I hope this provides some help