I understand. I think a part of me knew the only time I would talk about it is when I was slightly intoxicated. I know it's hard, but PLEASE try to go talk to someone about it. I waited nine years. Nine years too long.

I think it sounds as if it was time for you and it just squirts out uncontrollably when your uninhibited. I suggest getting a therapist so you can talk in a safe place without the use of a depressant. Once you are able to get it out you might find it doesn't squirt out when you are not looking. talking about it is hard and I think you should consider yourself very brave.

Hmmm...being a recovering addict/alcoholic and a survivor of a gang-style rape, I would have to say your first job is to stop drinking. It's obvious in my own life that alcohol served me as a depressant. Sure, it 'braced' me so I could deal, but isn't the point of this whole site to deal with our traumas without aids, honestly?
Being an alcoholic, I would never -- NEVER -- push my diagnosis on anyone. but to me, in my head, you should just not drink altogether. It's hard -- I teach at the college level, and the pressures to drink with fellow instructors can be great -- but it is better for me. That being said, drinking may not be your problem. But if it intensifies negative emotions or feelings, it might be.

I don't know, but my guess is that you're probably doing a very good job of holding it in the rest of the time, so having a few drinks is what 'allows' you to let it out.
Have you been for any kind of counselling yet? I think the important thing is to find some safe way of getting it all out of your system.

Ya I go to counselling bi-weekly. It's hard, really hard. Make's it real when all you want to do is push it away...

I know how you feel exactly. Everytime i drink i feel the need to validate that what happened wasn't my fault. Its all i do because i am still guilty. I still feel like something that i did made him and his friend do what they did to me. I would love to talk to you if you want. Because everything you feel i feel too. add me.