I have been going to therapy but today i started to blame myself again. I started thinking in a perspective where it was my fault. So here is my original story "
So Im in high school , and Ive lived across from my neighbour since I was very young he is a year younger and has a sister who is best friends with my sister who is two years older than me and one day at 1am my sister asked if I wanted to go to their house to drink a little and hang out so my sister and his sister kept leaving me alone with him and I felt pretty awkward, and I didnt drink that much but he did and they have a hot tub and I wanted to go in it but my sister kept ditching so I ended up going in with him and he started to touch me and I kept saying no stop but he just kept doing it, and he tried to finger me but I kept pushing him away but he kept doing it so I just bared it, then he tried to get me to touch him and I kept saying no but he kept grabbing my hand and my resistance was weakening because I was tired and I kept saying I wanted to go home but I mistakenly said I would sleep over before because my sister was so he kept saying no stay and I attempted many times to get out but he kept grabbing my arm and begging me to stay but I couldnt get away so finally we got inside and I said I was going to go home and tell my sister who was downstairs but when I went to go down he grabbed me and was like no stay and wouldnt let me down so he took me to the couch and kept trying to touch my chest and I kept pushing him off but Im pretty weak, and he kept holding my wrist stopping me from leaving and was begging me to stay and I forgot to add he pulled me on him in the hot tub and tried having sex but it wouldnt work and I was resisting and then on the couch hes like we should try again and I said no I dont want to I want to go home but he kept touching me and I was become very tired and could hardly stop him and pry my wrist out of his so I finally gave in because I knew he wouldnt let me leave and I said I dont want to do it in the living room, so we went upstairs and I just laid there and let him do what he wanted but he couldnt get hard so it wasnt working and he wanted me to do stuff I didnt want to and I kept saying he was hurting me but he just kept going and I kept saying I wanted to go home but I finally got enough strength to just get up and leave and he let me but hugged me and said he was sorry but I just glared at him and walked out "

now im starting to remember certain things that put me at fault. I was making kraft dinner and he tried to grab my boob so i let him. than he kept trying again and i kinda just pushed him away and laugh, i didnt want to but it looked like i was flirting. Than when we were going upstairs i helped him up becasue he was falling, i think this make me to blame becasue i could have easily got away. than when we were in bed he couldnt get hard, he grabbed my arm and tried to get me to give him a handjob, i reisted but he kept putting my hand back there so i just did it. than he tried to get it in and i said it wont work and i can see how he would think that was me saying continue. He than asked me to get on top of him, not forcefully, which i did trying to make it work, this makes me an equal participant. after that i just layed there while he tried to get hard by playing with my chest and fingered me which i told him hurt and to stop but he said it was okay, its fine. So i think if i would ever confront him he would say we just had sex, from what he or anyone else would see it would be just that, sex not rape. I wasnt raped, and i keep convincing myuself this and i feel stupid for exaggerating and bringing the pain onto myself.