Sounds like you were traumatized. I'd seek some counseling. Sometimes we feel all sorts of things to justify what happened.

30pieces

101,
You have been victimized. My wife was raped right after I met her and did the best she could to deal with it, but this isn't something that you or anyone else are prepared to deal with in a way that makes sense. It isn't supposed to happen. It is not your fault, and you didn't deserve it. there are a lot of rape counseling centers out there that offer free services. PLEASE go talk to someone and get it sorted out in your mind now, and don't let it shape who you become in the future. You are not alone.

doesn't matter weither you love them or not no means no. there are some women out there that have been raped by their own husbands not saying all but some. talk to someone don't do what i did and keep it all inside its unhealthy for you. you definatly aren't alone in this feeling. i felt the same way with the guy that raped me when i was 19

101,

Before women had many rights in most parts of the world, it was very common for rapists to be forced to marry whatever girl they raped. This is terribly sad and hard to imagine.

I was raped as a virgin, and was so deeply ashamed at even having been seen naked, that a part of me can begin to understand how an answer to escaping that shame might ironically enough be to "overcome" the shame by taming the person who caused it and "winning" them over emotionally. You need to make yourself understand that this is NOT being in love. NOT ONE BIT. It's a manifestation of your shame. It only shows how much dignity you have. It makes me quite sad to know this happened to somebody else.

You have a lot fo things to sort out. I think talking to somebody you trust like a couselor would be great for you.

If it helps, I understand exactly. I lost my virginity to rape, with my boyfriend at the time, and I blacked out for most of it and immediatley tried to forget it. The morning after I freaked out, left, but then I missed him so much, I missed my boyfriend, I was hurting and he was the one who had hurt me but I wanted him to be holding me at the same time. Less than a week later I went back to him, in what ended up being a very emotionally abusive relationship- the first time we had sex after the rape was coincidentally following his 'confession' one night when he was staying at mine that he'd just had to go 'wank in the bathroom' to finish himself off. The thing is, I did love him more- or at least, as its not proper love its a dark strange love, I felt much more intesenly for him. I let him have everything of me, I just gave in, I thought that was what love was- complete self sacrifice. I think the reason why I went back is because in raping me he literally turned my world upside down. I had no idea of right or wrong in the world anymore, or in justice, because my boyfriend who I cared for and trusted had manipulated and raped me. I was completely alone. He was the only steady thing, the only solid thing, and he was offering me comfort, and although he had taken so much from me, and perhaps because he had, I felt like I had to be with him. Rationally, I think I was trying to justify the loss of my virginity by saving the relationship and denying the rape. Emotionally, I think we love/ grow attatched to those that hurt us most, but onyl when they are hurting us. Away from him now, and now that I'm dealing with my PTSD, I see that it wasnt proper love, but a strange irrational but powerful bond. It was so hard to leave him, but I realised that it was better to be alone, even if it was painful, than to be with him because he'd taken 'me' away. I wasn't myself, I was just his.

Please don't be embarrassed. If it helps, my friend whose boyfriend used to beat her terribly, said the same thing: she loved him more after it all went wrong/ he went wrong. I'm glad you're talking about this and admitting it, as there's lot of things I'm still too ashamed to talk about to anybody. But this isnt one of them now, thanks for letting me talk about it too :)

Thanks for all of your replies. I found each and everyone of them very helpful. I still feel a bit unsure about my whole experience & how I felt / feel, but I guess that's normal. I'm just so glad to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks

i am so thankful to you and naj501 for sharing your stories. i have been struggling so much with my own issues and trying to make sense of what happened. reading your stories makes me realize that many other women must cope with being raped by a friend just like i did - or like both of you did.

i was raped two years ago by a friend. both of us are married but he wanted to have an affair with me. i didn't want to and told him that i didn't want to and that i love my husband. he ended up forcing himself on me. i just went numb after that. i didn't know what to do. i told one of my closest friends and she responded by saying that now i had a boyfriend. WHAT?! i didn't want a boyfriend. i was scared and this guy was really strong. he worked at the ranch where i boarded my horse and all the ranch hands were his friends. i didn't know what to do or where to take my horse. so i stayed. i didn't tell my husband or my family. and then i just let him be my boyfriend. :( the relationship caused me all sorts of problems over the next two years. he was emotionally abusive and if i tried to leave, he would be threatening. he told me he would kill himself without me. he would binge drink if i wouldn't talk to him. he told me i would have to run away with my horses if i wanted to get away from him.

i went through so much during these two years. it was awful. finally, i decided that i didn't care what the consequences would be and i ended it this february. i really thought i loved him. i thought i would leave my husband for him at times. eventually i realized that i was crazy...he was making me crazy. he got really mean and started stalking me. in early march, he raped me again. 2 times. this time, i got the courage to go to the sheriff. he is in jail now. he actually confessed so i think he will do prison time....probably 6 - 9 years. it hasn't been easy. i live in a small town and everybody knows. a lot of people don't believe me. everybody thinks we had this crazy love affair and i got what i deserved. very few know about how things started...that he raped me in the first place. i never would have had an affair with him.

i don't know who i have been over the past two years. i think i've had a nervous breakdown. i ran away from everything. i separated from my husband for a bit. my relationship with my 4 year old daughter hasn't been as good. my mom and i have been fighting. i've lost friends. my business has suffered. i'm finally realizing that he pulled the rug out from under me 2 years when he decided that he had to have what he wanted and my feelings weren't important.

i was date raped in college and i was embarassed so i dated that guy. i didn't tell anyone about that for years. and then this.

i'm finally waking up to the self esteem issues i have with men. and i want all of us women, rape survivors and those that are lucky enough not to have experienced it, to wake up too! we don't deserve this. we are strong, powerful creatures.

the best thing that i could have done was to go to the authorities. it was awful and embarassing - i'm not going to lie. and the legal process is slow. but i took my power back. and if that guy thought it was ok to do this to me, what would stop him from doing it to the next woman? i'm sure he's done it to his wife...i wish she had reported it...maybe he wouldn't have done it to me!

thank you again for sharing your stories. i am very open about the fact that i was raped. but i don't talk about the rape 2 years ago and "affair" ever since. i'm so embarassed and don't enderstand it. i figured it was my way of trying to make the rape ok. reading your stories really helps.

please please please...report these guys. there is a lot of guilt associated with doing so. but they didn't consider your feelings when they decided to have sex with you when you said no. they didn't consider what ramifications you would have to deal with for the years to come. not a day goes by that i don't think about this...it plays like a movie in my head. but at least i'm going to therapy and can be out galloping on my horse and know i'm safe now...and other women are safe from him. and he's in jail...where he belongs!