I'm sorry, I feel very selfish because tonight I am thinking only of my suffering and not reading anyone else's posts or questions or fears. I'm sorry. It's just this anxiety. It feels like it has been vibrating inside me for days. I can't sleep because I'm worried of dreams, nightmares whatever. I feel like I'm going to explode into a fine pink mist. Part of me wishes I would get it over with. I know what I want. I want to self harm because that eases it. I know it will. It did last month. But people count on me to be better than that. They want me to be good so they can be good. If she can do it, I can too. But I don't have some one like that. It's like being patient zero.

I have to see my gyn in the afternoon. That is enough to make me like this. Last month I found out that the doctor I've been seeing for over ten years for chronic pelvic pain brought to me by the rape thank you so much, seeing him at least once a month, he plans on closing his practice. I can't go through the process of finding another gyn. I can't look for another doctor who believes my pain, believes the treatment and doesn't start telling me I have to do a bunch of new stuff because he needs to get to know me. The thought of all that is just enough to make me explode with anxiety. Pink mist right in the doctor's office. I can't take it. I really can't. There are no amount of planning exercises to help me get through that. I could actually see myself having my cutting tool in my hand at a new doctor's office and just stroking it against my arm to keep me calm. I don't know what to do. I'm sure the doctor wouldn't allow that and would then probably send me for a psychiatric hold. That is way to scary to contemplate.

About my appointment this afternoon, not only am I nervous about having this doctor dumping me, I am worried about the nurse trying to coerce me into a yearly check up. Yes I have put it off for four months already. It has to be me that is ready, not them. The nurse will not understand and is too aggressive when she talks. Everyone I knew left because they saw this coming. Now I am left with new people telling me what they think, but they don't know. She makes me want to run screaming from the examine room. I tried to explain but she is too loud and too big. I am a big person but I think she could take me. I'm not doing it. There are reason why this is a bad time for me. Things have happened recently that make it impossible.

I just don't know what to do. I am bursting into tears thinking about it right now. I need help with this. I don't know how you can help, but please if some one has something, I would really appreciate it. If I could see my psychiatrist and my therapist to start getting the anxiety put in it's place, maybe this all would be easier. But do I have that kind of time? I don't think so.

I thank you for anything you have to share. Please feel free to write to me privately if you have something long and or private you would like to talk about. I used to have many close friends here, but I went away for a bit while I was really sick and now I feel I am starting over. -Krissanta