Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
My daughter of 14 was raped 8 weeks ago and is under police investigation I am struggling as a parent how to help my daughter through this she will be starting councilling soon she has just started to se a phylogist to use the treatment of rapid eye movement therapy I am just struggling what to say to her and comfort her . I have spent the last 8 weeks making oppitments for her I cant take this away from her but I'm feeling emotional dont know what to do
Sometimes, its just helpful to understand where her thoughts might be; to recognize that they may not make sense to her either; and she may not even know that they are there. Seek this information from other sources - not her; she is a teenager and may be SUPER embarrassed to even know her mom knows kind of what happened - much less want to share these thoughts with you. I would concur with BabyHawk - hearing that she is loved no matter what; that she is beautiful - is so very important.
My parents didn't talk about it. I felt like I was supposed to be quiet about it; I don't think that was a good thing; But at the same time, I wouldn't have been willing to talk to my parents about it...Maybe set up a time to go for a walk once a week so you don't have to look at each other. First couple times, don't bring it up at all. Maybe talk about something stupid you did with your siblings when you were younger. After a few walks, you could probably start adding words of affirmation, reiterating she is loved and beautiful. After some time, Mentioning that you don't know what she is feeling but that if she feels x,y,z that is normal for someone this has happened to. Just a sentence here and there. No follow up questions. It lets her know you realize that this is a big deal and it probably affects her more than she is letting on - also provides her with opportunity to talk about it further if she feels it would help her; remind her she is loved and beautiful and then move on to something else if she doesn't share anything.
From those I know who have been raped, we all seem to downplay it when we talk to others. Took a very good friend of mine reminding me when we spoke that this was/is a big deal and it has impacted me significantly both then and now.
As parents, we want to fix it - we can't. You don't need to know how it happened; make sure she has someone she is comfortable talking to and encourage her to talk to that person (therapist or other); let her know you won't ask questions if she comes to you and says she needs to talk to that person NOW; again - tell her she is loved and she is beautiful - always.
One of the things I struggled with was blaming myself - It took a long time for me to admit that I DID blame myself and then to talk about it was so freaking embarrassing - I was told it wasn't my fault; I knew it wasn't my fault; but I still felt that way deep down and that shame made it worse. You wouldn't have been able to talk me into changing that deep down feeling - that's where the EMDR, cognitive processing, or exposure therapy.
Finally - pray. Pray for God to help you know when to speak and when to be quiet; pray that God will put the right people in your daughters' lives so they can heal; pray for peace in their souls; pray for trust in the process; pray for your own forgiveness of yourself - because I imagine that even though you are definitely NOT responsible for this happening, my parents still FELT responsible. My parents also needed to hear - God loves you. You are beautiful...