Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Hi, I just want to reach out but not sure what to say. I'm married and my husband and I are working through things in our relationship which has been a lot more work than either of us ever imagined. I was starting to realize how much childhood trauma I had (and I think my husband is realizing how much he's got from his own childhood - I mean we did marry each other), but yesterday I was with a couple women from a support group and suddenly I just realized what happened with my boyfriend (at that time, now an ex) ...15 years ago....for 15 years I've just been in complete denial that it was rape. And I am still "friends" with this guy, but wondering every step of the way Why? None of my friends or family like him, he's done things that aren't "good"...why am I trying to hold on to this "friendship". And of course some part of my mind is still in full force telling me I'm over reacting and trying to be a drama-queen. I blurted it out to the other women at the table because, well first, they could see me shaking and crying, but secondly I was scared if I didn't say it out loud, it would just go back into denial-land. My therapist is on vacation for two weeks (what timing right!?) and I am on this crazy emotional rollercoaster and not sure what to do to hold on, you know? Anyway, I really needed to reach out.
KAdunn
I completely understand. I had blocked out both of my attacks and just tried to stuff it down deep. Only got me in trouble though with drinking, drugs and basically screwing up my life. When the rape (was 19) first happened I saw a psychotherapist who taught me relaxation techniques of picturing myself in a peaceful place and just sit there. Perhaps you could just work on meditation till your therapist is back. helps me to get centered when I imagine a ocean or a peaceful place. I was feeling that way when the detective triggered a flashback to my first attack when I was 16. For several days it lasted because I never dealt with it in a healthy way. But now he's in prison for 18 yrs and I don't have to feel afraid anymore. I'm in control of how I'm going to feel. Getting stronger day by day and last night was the first time in almost two weeks I've been able to sleep without my zolpidiem.
Porphyria
So sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you reached out. There's a reason why denial is a defense mechanism: It works! I've gotten through many years, working hard & taking care of all my responsibilities by being in denial. Years later, things started falling into place, the walls of my denial fell apart and it was like a curtain was lifted. I saw the bare naked truth of reality, and that's when all the work started. The work of piecing together what really happened between the jumbled memories. The work of accepting it and going through the anger phase. And the hard work of communicating with my husband. For what it's worth, I think we start to see glimpses of the truth coming through our denial when our sub conscience thinks we are strong enough to handle it. So whatever it is, know that you can get through it.. All the things you're realizing now about your old boyfriend will definitely take you for a ride. But I guarantee you'll be feeling a lot better afterwards. You've finally identified him to yourself as the rapist that he's always been. (Better late than never). It is entirely up to you how you proceed. If it were me, I would just break off contact completely. He sounds toxic and I don't see how any good can come from having him in your life. I hope your husband can be of support as you go through this. Maybe a couple of joint therapy sessions with him might be helpful. Meanwhile, know that you are not alone and you can get lots of support here on DS.
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