Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I haven't been on here in a while because I've been avoiding it. I spent years avoiding thinking about what happened to me because I couldn't deal with the emotions that comes with it. I started counseling recently and my therapist asked about past abuse. I couldn't talk about it but I wrote her a letter telling her just about everything that I went through. Now that all of this is coming back up I've found myself fighting the emotions I've been running from...the shame, the anger, the guilt, the depression, the why's and what if's. So I tried to push it to the back of my mind between sessions because I'm falling behind on my school work and everything else I have to do. But no matter how hard I try it's still there. Now today I've experienced something I never have before. I was at church and a man who was visiting for the first time approached me telling me about himself and how much he enjoyed service. I'm not sure how he singled me out, but he seemed like a really nice guy. But all I could think about was what does he want, why is he talking to me, is he going to hurt me. It freaked me out because I have never looked at all men as a potential threat and I don't want to. It's true I have been too trusting in the past and that is what led to me being with the guys who ultimately raped me, but I didn't like feeling like that today. My therapist said the only way to get better is to open up and that it will get worst before it gets better. Is that what happened? Has anyone else experienced this before?
If your best friend in the universe were to tell you that your story and your feelings had happened to them, would you side with them? Would you honestly believe that they indeed were so trusting that the crime against them by another was really THEIR fault? I would think not. I was able to use that "outside looking in" concept to put the blame onto the abusers and not at all onto myself for initiating the abuse/rape.
IN MY OPINION, exposure to positive experiences with new people will not erase your past but will hopefully ease the premonition that all men want you for your body now and in the future.
Bravo for seeing a counselor! If you notice there are tissues within the counselor's office it's because your story is not uncommon to them. We may feel that we are the only ones in the world to be used and the only ones to have the emotions like "the shame, the anger, the guilt, the depression," are NOT.
You cannot erase the past but you can change the future for a truly loving relationship ... with yourself and with others. It will come from opening up and treating yourself like you would treat your own best friend. It's time to BE your own best friend!!!
What would you tell him or her to do in your situation? Answer that... and then DO IT!
I agree with this 100%. In the begining of my CBT therapy sessions I was exactly where lost1227 is. I blamed myself. As I continued therapy I passed on the blame to where it rightfully should be pointed - at my rapist. I spoke about it ad nauseum with my therapist to the point where all I felt was exaustion.
You'll never forget what happened to you. But as csajourney put it so perfectly, you cannot erase the past but you can change the future. You are in charge of you.