Get the concept of redemption out of your mind. You have done nothing wrong.

Death is not the answer. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Speaking as a victim of rape, and as an alcoholic, I think you really need to get into therapy. You have numerous issues to address, and you need professional help. I would not be nearly as functional as I am today, had it not been for a lot of hard, painful work with my shrink.

I am so sorry that this happened to you, but death is not the answer. When my attack happened I prayed that I wouldn't wake up. I never had the strength to physically try to kill myself, but prayed that it would happen any other way. I am now seeing a therapist that is helping me through the pain and helping to get better.
I recently started to cut myself to release the pain. Thankfully I have resisted the urge to cut for almost three weeks now. I am glad that you are here and talking about what happened to you! that is a positive step in the right direction.

Thanks, I apreciate that people here are always kind to me even when I know what I'm saying isn't nice and I don't feel very able to support other people.

The thing is I have been seeing a counsellor for 3 years although we don't just talk about this stuff and just before that I saw a counsellor at a crisis centre for 6 months. I guess sometimes i just feel i've done all i can and there is no getting over it

I went through years of blaming myself and wanting to die because I thought that that would be the way to stop making mistakes. Then I realized a few things: We all make mistakes, both big and small. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. In my attacks I did nothing wrong, sure, if I could go back and change things I would but I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time. And killing myself isn't going to solve anything, it's just going to cause those who care about me grief. If I really want to redeem myself in the eyes of God the best thing I can do is stay alive and do whatever I can to be good to my fellow man. Death does not send a message to God that automatically makes you forgiven. It just doesn't. It's the actions that you do while you are here on earth that speak to him/her/it.

I am by no means saying you did something wrong, You didn't. You, like me, did the best you could to respond to situations with what you had inside you at the time. I did things "wrong" I could have done things differently, but it is no use beating myself up with what if's. If I did in the eyes of God do something wrong, whether related to my attacks or otherwise, I know my only way of redemption is to continue living to the best of my ability. God knows when we are doing that.

Suicide does not send a message to God. It does not automatically mean you are forgiven for whatever you have done wrong or think you have done wrong. It only ends your ability to move past these things.

When you commit suicide you are dead. You cease to be able to grow, thrive, experience life.

As hard as it is, you need to carry on. People care about you whether you see it or not.

You have value. Don't let anyone tell you different. Not even you.

Persephone

"The thing is I have been seeing a counselor for 3 years although we don't just talk about this stuff and just before that I saw a counselor at a crisis centre for 6 months. I guess sometimes i just feel I've done all i can and there is no getting over it"

TALK ABOUT IT! You can't get over it if you refuse to address it.

i know this sound dumb but I don't know what you mean by that last reply!

what bonbon is saying is that if you don't admit that it happened and talk about it then you will never be able to move on. It's like having a cut that doesn't heal and randomly bleeds. the only cure for it is to talk about it. admit it happened. that was the hard part for me. like saying it outloud made it more real. but the fact is, it did happen, it is real, and you can't change that by ignoring it.

Mayday, Liti hit it on the head perfectly. You have this open wound that will not heal. It's infected and making you sicker. Show that wound to the doctor and get it treated.

In therapy we have t talk about things we don't want to, we have to bare our souls and expose things we'd rather die than speak of. That's what therapy is for. I always come out of a session feeling better, but I also come out feeling like I just dug a fifty yard ditch. Therapy is work, not just talk.