You probably answered your own question without knowing it. The part about self-destruction. We tend to get so connected to the hurt, and shame, and pain, that we do enter into things to make us feel...something... anything, even pain, as long as it isn't THAT. It is more common than you probably would think, the putting one's self into dangerous situations. We want our control back, or, for the first time, but control was stolen, and we will do just about anything to get it. So, don't be too down on yourself about this. You are questioning, and reaching out, so that is a good thing. I still question things too, and sometimes the answers were within me all the time.

mayday, get into therapy soon! you are headed in a bad direction and you want to turn around. do not continue down that path of self-doubt and self-blame.

I am not a doctor, but a few things in your discussion really caught my attention.

*don't want to believe they were evil
*was I just trying to get attention
*still want to put self in danger
*self destructive

I am borderline. I'm not saying that you are, but you may want to learn more about borderline to see if you fit the criteria. I have a list of the criteria and how it affects me below. PLEASE note I'm not saying this is you. I'm not a doctor.

Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationship, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety on contexts as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2.a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4.impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5.recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6.affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7.chronic feeling of emptiness
8.inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
9.transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociate symptoms


Well this is my borderline I spoke about:

1.Im totally afraid of losing friends. Last fall when I lost my friend, I shaved my head bald.
2.I thought my therapist was so wise and caring. When she defended my former employer, I had no use for her anymore. I rarely cut people off like this but it has happened on occasions.
3.No matter who says I look nice, I dont see it. I just see the flaws.
4.*I love to shop for tools. I dont buy a lot of clothes because I think I look bad in everything-(because of #3)
*I allowed myself to be used for sex in college. I longed for the closeness of another person if only for a moment. Problem was I would end up in long term relationships because the guy wouldnt let go.
*wasnt into drugs but did drink too much for a while
*on occasions
*I go between starving and overeating. I dont eat a lot now, Im already overweight it just stays the same.
5.I used to be into-cutting myself. I still have moments I wish I didnt exist.
6.Im anxious and irritable on occasion.
7.Sometimes nothing makes me happy.
8.I am becoming more aggressive with each disappointing situation and relationship failure.
9.yeah