Its been almost 4 months since I was attacked. I've been avoiding writing this for weeks now, but I find that I am needing more and more to put everything into words and have people who truly understand read them. The last year of my life seems like a crazy soap on t.v. June 2012, my husband and I lost our 2nd daughter Madalyn at 36 weeks. We started trying again for another baby 5 months later. It took us another 6 months to finally get pregnant (which is a pretty normal time frame for conception, but for us it was excruciatingly long). My husband is active duty in the air force and deployed about a week after we got our positive pregnancy test. This was all in May (2013). A week after he left, I started to bleed. It took another 2-3 weeks to finally miscarry. Our oldest daughter Charity and I finally started to get into a normal routine and things were settling down by the time July hit. I went home with her for a couple of weeks to stay with my parents and get away. When we got back at the beginning of August, I threw myself into projects like redecorating our house. I spent WAY too much money on paint and other things, but we were happy and ticking off the days until "daddy came home". Friday, August 9th I went to bed at about 11 the same as any other night, but little did I know it was far from "any other night". I don't know what time it was but sometime between the time I went to bed and the very early hours of Saturday August 10, a man broke into my home and made his way to my bedroom. We live on an air force base and I had always felt pretty safe there. I always lock my doors and windows, but I guess I had forgotten to lock a couple of the windows that look out on the back yard. All he had to do was tear down the screen and the window would have been easy to open. I heard nothing, absolutely nothing as a result. I woke up to him standing over my bed. I was so confused!!! I thought I was having a nightmare. Charity was in her room all the way downstairs, thank goodness and didn't hear anything either. He also didn't touch her. I begged him to leave. I screamed. I pleaded. He said nothing. He just started punching me until I submitted. I didn't fight him. I didn't do anything. I helped him accomplish his goals. I was so scared and I didn't know what else to do. He was there for a long time. It wasn't over with quickly. He knew I was alone and he knew he had the power to do what he wanted. He told me he'd kill me if I didn't "insert some sexual act". I didn't recognize him at all. I had no idea who he was. I just knew that I had to do what he wanted so I could survive. For my daughter, my husband... my family. There are many many moments I feel weak and like I should have fought him in some way or that I should have made SURE that the windows were locked on Friday night, but whenever I think back on it I realize just how trapped I was and how I couldn't have possibly planned for what happened. We have a gun in our home (multiple actually), but all I could think about was the fact that I would be handing him a weapon. I didn't even know if he had a weapon on him already. I didn't want to give him another one. I'm not trying to justify my actions; I just need to write them down. Get them out. Maybe to process... I'm not sure. I won't write out what he made me do to/with him. I'm not ready for that. I can barely even think about it. But this is all a start. He left at around 3 in the morning. I know the time he left because I immediately grabbed my phone and started making phone calls. It never once crossed my mind that I shouldn't report this. Reporting it was the only way I knew I would be safe. My husband was in the desert and he couldn't protect me. Because we live on a base, OSI (Air Force Special Agents) investigated the case. I have an amazing support system and I know how amazingly blessed I am. There are so many of us who don't get this support. I have 3 of the top air force prosecutors working to put the man they arrested away. They have DNA evidence on the guy (it turns out it was one of my husbands coworkers). I have 3+ Victim Advocates who work continually to help me arrange anything and everything I need. My husband was notified and immediately flown home. I'm probably rambling at this point, so I hope this is all making sense. Trial is set for January. It will be a full blown military court martial and I have to testify if justice is to be served. I'm going to have to give all the details I can't type out now. So this is me. In limbo. Waiting for a day I dread and yet cannot wait for. Despite my support system... I feel helplessly alone. I find strength reading each of your stories. I can only hope that someday I can be a strength to someone else.