Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
My last long relationship I was in, I was physically abused, and emotionally abused. Hit often, constantly cheated on, belittled, all those nasty things. Long story short, I got myself out of that. Now I went onto the dating world after that. Tried online dating. I met a guy and met him for coffee. About the third date, I invited him over to hang out (still 19 at the time, common for people that age to just hang out at each others house rather than going out). Jumping past all the details, we ended up making out and he pushed things further. I kept saying "No, stop. I don't want this" but he forced it on me. I felt like it was my fault. Part of me still does.
I went into a downward spiral after that.. I started drinking alot and doing drugs, and I became very promiscuous. I even landed myself in the psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts. Until one day I decided I had enough. I picked myself up, stopped partying, stopped sleeping around, moved out of my moms place, got a second job, and got myself back into college. I threw myself into work and school. Maybe even too much. I guess you could say that I put a band aid over all the hurt. But I wasn't happy either. I was kinda just there. Doing the things I knew I had to do to survive and make a life for myself.
Now here I am a year later. Married to an amazing man. But I think it was way too soon after everything for me to get married. But it was the first time I felt happy, so I went with it. But I've started spiraling out of control again. I've started drinking again, probably way too often, especially now that I've turned 21 and its all available to me. And I've cheated on my husband twice now (Please don't judge, I already feel horrible enough). Both times, I was blacked out drunk, to the point that if someone were to get me dressed again before i passed out, I wouldn't have even known the next morning. I haven't told hubby, because I'm pretty positive he'll leave me, and I'm not doing this because I'm unhappy in my marriage.I'm self destructive, and I'm beginning to do self destructive things. And if the roles were revearsed, and he did it to me and vowed to never do it again and tried to do everything to fix himself, I wouldn't want to know either..
So when it comes down to it, I believe it all goes back to when I was raped. Thats when my anxiety and self destructive behaviors came out. Thats when my problems started. I've done so well pushing past them this past year, and its manifesting itself bad this time.
So here I am. Asking for advice. Asking for help. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it and bring myself back to reality.
I went into a downward spiral after that.. I started drinking alot and doing drugs, and I became very promiscuous. I even landed myself in the psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts. Until one day I decided I had enough. I picked myself up, stopped partying, stopped sleeping around, moved out of my moms place, got a second job, and got myself back into college. I threw myself into work and school. Maybe even too much. I guess you could say that I put a band aid over all the hurt. But I wasn't happy either. I was kinda just there. Doing the things I knew I had to do to survive and make a life for myself.
Now here I am a year later. Married to an amazing man. But I think it was way too soon after everything for me to get married. But it was the first time I felt happy, so I went with it. But I've started spiraling out of control again. I've started drinking again, probably way too often, especially now that I've turned 21 and its all available to me. And I've cheated on my husband twice now (Please don't judge, I already feel horrible enough). Both times, I was blacked out drunk, to the point that if someone were to get me dressed again before i passed out, I wouldn't have even known the next morning. I haven't told hubby, because I'm pretty positive he'll leave me, and I'm not doing this because I'm unhappy in my marriage.I'm self destructive, and I'm beginning to do self destructive things. And if the roles were revearsed, and he did it to me and vowed to never do it again and tried to do everything to fix himself, I wouldn't want to know either..
So when it comes down to it, I believe it all goes back to when I was raped. Thats when my anxiety and self destructive behaviors came out. Thats when my problems started. I've done so well pushing past them this past year, and its manifesting itself bad this time.
So here I am. Asking for advice. Asking for help. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it and bring myself back to reality.
valdiviaa
Its always hard to catch yourself when your caught up in negative feelings. Its like you try to hold on to everything you have but everything is like water, just slipping out of your hands. If you think this is all happening because of the rape then I think you should really try to go to therapy, I know its a hard step but you have to do it for yourself. I was raped in may of last year, I went directly to a therapist at school after it happened and they sent me o a rape treatment center where I get free therapy for what happened. It has honestly changed my life, not only how I think about the rape but about myself. I have gone through many of the things that you have experienced, including the suicidal thoughts, and I by no means feel like I have dealt with everything but I know I have a source of support. It changes everything when you have someone outside your life that helps you really understand how to deal with the rape. So I deffinetly think you should lok into, it will help you just have to believe. And as far as your husband, if he loves you and cares about you then he will understand and help you through this. You have to be honest though and tell him whats going on even if it hurts ou or him because honesty is important. at the time that I was raped I had a bf who I love very much, still. But he could not help me though what happened to me and its neither of our faults. But I learned that you have to be honest and then you will see who are the people who care for you. And I know you dont fully believe it, but getting raped was not your fault! No one has the right to rape anyone, it is not your fault.
fallenskies
I can't tell him. I can't handle him leaving me too on top of everything. And I honestly believe that since I said "no. Stop. I don't want this" while I was still sober when I was with my friends, that I was severely taken advantage of and it's not all my fault. But yeah, I know I need counseling. But the thing is, I'm joining the fire department and I'm a paramedic right now so if I get diagnosed with PTSD they can take my medic license and bar me from the fire department so I've been avoiding that..
valdiviaa
I understand youor fear, ive felt it before, so if that makes you comfortable then you should stick to that, but if it is harming you more than it is helping you then maybe you have to do something about it. Also, from m experience at the rape treatment center, their job is not to diagnose you with anything. There is a difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist, the therapist is for you to talk to them and they help you deal with the situation, they can suggest you see a psychiatrist but they do not have the ability to offer you medication or anything like that. Also in the centers confidentiality is always at hand, I dont see them going out of their way to ruin your career. I think you should really look for rape treatment centers around you and find out the type of services they offer.
fallenskies
I've never even heard of a rape treatment center around here. But I'll look into that on Monday for sure. I need help before this all gets even more out of hand. I want to fix myself and be a better person from here on out. And more than anything, I want to feel happy again.
valdiviaa
I really do hope,you can find one, and I really hope you get the help you need. I am in the same position as you, I want to be happy again, just be happy with myself more than anything. I know this,sounds cheesy but I just want to love my self and know who I am. I hope we cnn both get there. If you ever want to talk, I'm here for you.
fallenskies
Thank you, I appreciate that. And if you ever want to talk as well, feel free to PM me. I'm always available.
Porphyria
Have you tried therapy? You can find trauma therapy centers in your area with a google search. They offer free counseling to rape victims. I think you should try something like that before deciding whether or not to tell your husband. It's a hard road, and not many people understand. I found a lot of support on DS, and I hope you will too. Very few people are capable of really healing without professional help. I think that if you have a substance abuse problem, on top of dealing with rape, it will be nearly impossible to get better without therapy. You seem like a strong person who is capable of doing what she sets her mind to. The key now for you is to figure out what is triggering your self destruct button. Maybe it's a form of self punishment because you don't think you deserve to be happy. Maybe it's a way of testing your husband to see how unconditional his love is. Maybe both. Maybe neither. That's where therapy/ meditation/ self-reflection comes in. I think you can be happy if you decide to be. I wish you the best & hope that you will decide to be.
Porphyria
Sorry, I just read the part where you said you're hesitant about therapy because it might prevent you from being a firefighter. Ok 2 things: 1- Being raped does not automatically mean that you'll have PTSD. And even if you do, it doesn't last forever. In fact, therapy can help reduce the amount of time it lasts. Symptoms vary from person to person as well. 2 - All therapy sessions are confidential. Unless you are going through the company's insurance, there is no way they would know about you getting therapy, and especially why you're getting it. The center where you receive therapy would never release any personal information about you to anyone (unless there's a court order). And as long as you don't claim you're going to kill someone, no one will ever know you were there. :)
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