My child is an active meth and heroin user. She will put anything that will make her high in her system but those are her faves.

9 months ago she walked out of her life. She walked away from a man that absolutely loves her and her two babies. A 1-year-old and a 2-year-old at that time. 

My beautiful baby, my child "Bean" has admitted she has a problem but has been refusing bed, after bed, after bed at recovery centers. The other day her counselor told me they had a bed for Bean the following morning could I please let her stay for one night so she would show up for the bed. I agreed. 

The bed fell through. Since she pissed nearly clean I let her stay the weekend and they were hoping to find a place for her on Monday. Gina had no been allowed to see her children because she was using around them. I surprised her with her youngest for the night hoping that it would give her some motivation to follow through and to show that we wanted to support her and encourage her. 

I do not smoke in my house so Bean was going out a lot to smoke and I thought nothing of it. We live in the mountains and the weather was cold and snowy so I did not follow her out to check on her.

I noticed that Gina had not slept the night before and believed her when she said it was uncomfortable sleeping on that small bed with mini Bean. Understandable. 

Walked around the corner and she was sitting on the toilet with a backpack on the floor taking everything out of it. I asked her what she was doing and she had a reasonable explanation so I thought nothing of it. Left the room and closed the door. I took a few steps and heard the bathroom door lock. Nope.... she never does that. Stood at the door for a minute and then I knocked. I made her unlock the door and bingo. There she stands with aluminum foil topped with meth. 

Thought I was going to die. Grabbed it out of her hand, flushed it and searched her and her backpack for anything else. Quit a trove of goodies. Meth to wake up, dope to come down, marijuana and a bunch of Adderall pills. I took everything from her. I gave her 20 minutes to start walking or I was calling the police. Asked her why... she said it was no big deal. 

After she had left I realized she had left her tablet at the house. It was on and she was getting tons of messenger pop-ups. I open the tablet thinking it was password protected... nope. I went into messenger and read a lot of disturbing messages. My daughter had been using all along. She had actually shown up at my house with drugs. I was angry but I turned on my tough love when I read a message to a dealer for him not to come yet because her daughter was not sleeping but she needed him to come so she did not go all night without her "down." If he could not come later she would tell me she was having a cigarette and meet him behind my garage. I called her and asked her if she had really smoked dope with her daughter laying next to her. Her answer, "Mom, really, I only did a little and smoke rises." 

I told her right then and there that she was not to contact me, not to come near my home or I would call the police and to stay away from my husband Dunkin store. 

Got the baby father going along with the tough love as well as her new boyfriend who was now clean and absolutely adored her. It lasted fou days. They gave in she could not sleep at the baby daddy house because 8 months after Gina left he met a girl and she could not stay at her boyfriend's because he lives with his sister and Bean was not allowed there. Her boyfriend found her a place to sleep and this morning she started.

My phone was blowing up and every message she sent, every voice clip, every text got erased before I even looked at them. One in particular that always gets me is her asking me why I am doing this to her, why don't I love her, why do I hate her. I cried for hours going back and forth with myself. Hating myself, being angry, doubting my parenting, imagining the worse. The last thing a parent wants to do is damage their child. As I contemplated I realized how many times she has said those same exact words and I caved. How many times I lost sleep, how many times I heard I am going to get help, I know I need help, and how many times she blamed someone else for her actions... always and how often she accepted responsiblity... none. 

Thats when it hit me... this is the insanity of it. When I thought about that I had only thought of my insanity when I was using. It never clicked until that moment when I realized that by living with her in her insanity, I was once again creating my own. I have been clean and sober for 33 years. I know the process, feelings, the hurt when you are hitting rock bottom and I was applying that to her. I was in anguish because I know the pain. I have lived it. At that moment I realized that I could not get clean from alcohol and cocaine unless I had hit my rock bottom. Until my family gave me an ultimatum that has forever changed my life. An ultimatum that saved my life and allows me to live the life I live today. 

I am not sure if me giving her a choice will help or hurt her but I cannot live an addicted life with her. I have to stay clean and sober. I deserve to be clean and sober. I am worthy of the good things sobriety has and will bring me. As many years as I have been clean, I still work my program, I still work my steps. I still admit every day that I am powerless against drugs and alcohol. 

Do you think I am helping or hurting my child? 

I read one time that "Insanity is when you love someone so much, you help them destroy you by trying to save them."