Pregnancy Support Group
Welcome to the waiting room for anticipating moms and dads. Whether you're expecting your first or a new little brother or sister, meet other parents in this community who are also looking forward to a new addition to the family.
I'm new to this group and I'm just looking for support not shame.
I'm 31 and 13w3d pregnant. I had decided to do a genetic testing because of some family history and was able to find out the gender with that testing. Well I got the results back yetersday and although I'm extremely happy that the results were negative and good I was taken back that the gender didn't come back as what I had expected it to be. This is my first and most likely only pregnancy. I feel disappointed when I know I should just be happy I have a healthy baby. I won't be having the 20 week scan for another 6 weeks which I feel only confirms what the lab work saids.
Has anyone else felt this way and how did you cope?
Yes- I experienced gender disappointment. We decided not to do genetic testing though due to clean family histories and that I was having enough anxiety over the baby's gender without potentially finding out that we had even a slightly elevated possibility of this or that being wrong with him. So, we found out at my last appointment where he was deemed perfectly healthy and developing normally but very clearly a boy- my husband and I both wanted a girl very badly. We both even said that if it was a girl we were done, if it was a boy, we'd try one more time. Which is still stressful- what if we have another boy?!
Anyway, what helped me is that I happen to have a friend with a slew of sons and no daughters and she'd love to have one. She told me to feel the disappointment and not to block out the feelings. I needed to hear that at the time- that it was okay to be disappointed- that no, it's not just about the baby being healthy- sure, that's important but, when you don't get what you want you have the right to at least for a time feel let down.
My husband and I then sat down and came up with his name- that helped a lot. I call our son by name now around the house= it makes him more a person, more solid in my mind- it makes it real that he's my son not just this thing growing inside of me. I rub my belly, I talk to him. I've worked really, really hard to bond with him after years and years of my husband and I talking about our future daughter- I had catch up to play with our son when it came to bonding to the idea.
Now I'm writing my own little internal narrative of our lives with our little boy. I know our kid could have any type of personality/ experiences in life but, it does help me to think about things like my husband teaching him to play video games or my lying in bed with him at night reading him my favorite children's books before tucking him in.
It's not been easy- I still want a little girl but, my husband and I have stopped talking about our someday daughter and now talk about our son- every. single. day we talk about him. From "he's discovered a new movement this week" (that has helped too- I now feel him moving around- it makes it more real) or watching something on TV and saying how we hope our son is/ isn't like that.
I hope some of this helps. People who say "it doesn't matter, as long as the baby is healthy" don't get it. For some this is true but for others- it makes them feel horrible and invalidates their feelings.
For now? Feel what you are feeling for as long as you need to feel it because it is a real thing. And when you are ready- try very slowly changing the narrative in your head from one gender to the other. It helped me a lot.
Best to you!
I don't know my baby's gender yet, but I have already felt disappointment about the gender.. Hear me out.. I've been convinced from the start that it's a girl, but after the 12 week scan I looked at the photo, thought "that face looks like a boy" and got very upset at the thought of having a boy. Silly, I know. But at that moment I realised that I'm not guaranteed the girl I wanted, and soon I may have to accept that I'm having a boy.
One of my reasons for wanting a girl is that I really want to raise a little strong woman, like me! :p I feel like I wouldn't connect to a boy in the same way. But something my friend said helped: if it's a boy, then I get the chance to raise the kind of man this world needs - one who respects women and believes in equality, which is so important. This has shifted my perspective a bit.
Hope that helps you in some way!