my new life is feeling stable enough to feel not-so-new any more. it's been 4.5 years since romatic drama between my son and his wife landed my gk's in cps protective custody. 3.5 years since both parents were killed in a car wreck and hubs and i inherited the orphans, then ages 6, 3 and 8 months. the new normal FEELS stable, but i find myself haunted by ? ? ? snakes in the grass? ? ? the falling of the other shoe? ? ? the pesky detail i missed in my prideful blindness? ? ? one name for ^it^ --alongside a host of others-- which echoes from therapy sessions is, "catastrophizing." 

today's read from "hope for today" is resonating loudly enough that i thought i'd reinforce it with sharing.

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today my life is going very well, thanks to recovery work i have done. i have a great job, a wonderful husband, and am finally working toward the graduate degree i've wanted for so long. yet as great as all this feels, i'm still on edge. i'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. it's as if i don't know how to handle happiness, so i start searching for difficulties to dwell on. i lie awake at night wondering if my car will break down. i try to guess what my employees are thinking and i feel anxious if i'm not a week ahead on my schoolwork. the obsession is annoying, even to me.

of course, none of this fretting serves any purpose. even if i could anticipate all potential problems and have solutions in mind, my worry won't protect me from something that may never happen. when i have turned to my higher power in the past to remove my worries about real problems. she has come through for me. i need to remind myself that she can remove my imaginary difficulties, too. if i accept that i'm powerless over my mind's negative energy, if i desire to be restored to sanity, and if i ask my higher power to help me, she will do so. i can trust her. all that's left for me to do is the footwork on each issue, as needed. then i can let go and enjoy my life.

thought for today

when i've done all i can, let go and let god.

". . .worrying will not protect me from the future. it will only keep me from living here and now." ~courage to change

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the oldest of those 3 orphans turns 10 this coming weekend. here's to hoping i can let go and enjoy the party planning. just hoping. fact is, my social anxiety beast is tugging at its leash. back, back, you snarly beast. . . where's my whip and chair?

stepping small, praying big and letting god lead the dance.