My heart goes out to you for the nightmares that still plague you. My psychologist offered me a suggestion for my nightmares. That since they are recurring and the fear factor leaves me in a helpless puddle of racing heart and breathing. Leaving me helpless to do more than the slow struggle of full consciousness returning. His suggestion was in "writing" an alternate ending to the nightmares rather than experience the debilitating fear that was happening. Many prayers that these demons may find a peaceful exit from within you.

Nightmares suck. I know all to well. Much support goes out to you.

Scott

When I wake up, I put on youtube lectures. Thus I often log on ds, and never log back off... Concentrating on something to learn helps me more than anything else.

Hugs as you figure out what helps you, Patti

Muji, I hae no idea why my rape is haunting me anew. Something's out of sync in the universe? Honestly, I got no answers, only puma support....

Muj, i am so sorry. i'm with Leo on the out of syncness, it feels like that to me too lately. hugs

I too have been told to write an alternate ending. Even took part in a university studying this. It seemed like this helped the majority of the participants. I've had some luck with it. I just have too many terrible experiences to do this for all of them. Seems like when we least expect it these terrible memories rear their ugly heads. Hope you can make it through the day and that something unexpectedly good happens. Lots of support and hugs.

Muji, your childhood war survival stories sound much like mine. I can relate to many of the things you mentioned. Electricity and water shortages.... when getting home from school and having to go all the way around the city due to road block after road block because of the violence and the army being called in again to *deal* with them. Tear gas and Molotov cocktails. But no grey bread and we didn't collect ammo shells. I used to think all that stuff was normal too. But now I look back on it and..... sigh. I have to agree with you. It's no childhood at all. I'm sorry it's haunting your dreams. Prayers for quieter nights for you. A few years ago I was doing well with imagery before bed... and would imagine myself walking along / sitting at a beach, listening to the waves, watch them roll in and out, smell the salty air, feel the cool dampness on my face, toes in the warm sand. It sometimes resulted in peaceful dreams. (((hugs)))

Muji, I am very sorry that you're going through all this. I had, and still sometimes have, night terrors from abuse that happened so long ago I too wondered why at this stage of my life.
I cannot imagine even for a moment what you are feeling, though. Your life must have been similar to a horror story ~ but in real time and big time. How can a child ever forget? I applaud you for all you've done with your life. You've helped countless numbers of souls to heal.
I hope what you're going through now will end. You have my friendship, please feel free to use it any time you need.
You are in my thoughts. XO

Muji, you have been fighting a battle that has drawn out, not the same one, but no less an end won't happen fast. Scratch if you think of what.
hugs reminders are tricky.
J.

I am sorry Muji you had another nightmare. I had one too a few days ago and don't know what it means. Hope that what you wrote helped you feel better. Hugs

Oh, my friends, thank you so much. It was so helpful for me to come home to 11 replies from people who care about me and understand me!

I went to school after posting this and set a course for living up to what I promised here. That I would be a good teacher and I would not drag this nightmare's effects into my classroom onto my students.

Halfway through teaching my class, a student of mine got a text and burst into tears. It was notice of some family emergency. She came up to me at the front of the class to tell me that she had to run to the emergency. I held her hand for a second, then told her to go, go quickly.

I held it together and I went back to teaching and got through to the end of class. I was about to leave for home when the teacher next door came in to complain and held me up. He's bitter that enrollment in his classes are down.
Dropping class enrollment's a problem everywhere in colleges across the country. At our college now, if there are less than 10 students in your class as the semester starts, administration cancels your class since it's not cost effective.


To keep enrollment up in my classes, then, although I'm a 58 year old teacher who started teaching before there even was an Internet, I've been going to workshops to learn new teaching technologies. I've learned how to teach fully online, how to use Youtube in class, document cameras projected on my classroom screen, stuff like that. I'm not one of those teachers with the charismatic personality, I'm just one of the conscientious, shy ones. So using new classroom technology with today's students is what has helped keep my enrollment in my classes up. That's why I don't have mine canceled.

This fellow instructor came into my classroom after school today upset that his summer school class is canceled and mine's not. So he picked today to come and pressure me to give him my summer school class for him to teach. He had all kinds of reasons why he needs to make more money than me, etc., etc.

He picked the wrong day. I taught today with my PTSD following my own nightmare. I held a student's hand in class when she got news of an emergency on her phone. Now I was afraid that if I answered this coworker who was pressuring me that I would say something I'd regret. So I said nothing at all. Nothing.

When I got home, I was so glad to see your 11 replies that tears of thanks came to my eyes. Thank you for showing you care, oh patti and Leo and jewells and pos and iwo and blue and Scott and Lilly .

Yes, I do think, Dooo, that I must've had a delayed nightmare reaction to when those 6 cop cars rolled up on my house and arrested those crooks Sunday night.

Yes, Ghostdancer and Zoe, that suggestion to "write" an alternate happy ending to my nightmare worked. When I got home, I remembered that in my nightmare I was downtown hiding in an abandoned concrete building, an apartment building high rise. I found a gun there, and I looked at it in my hand, and that's when I woke up this morning so upset.

In my "rewrite" this evening I went back to that moment when I held a gun in my hand. I thought about whether my nightmare meant for me to go out and join the shooting. And I decided in my "rewrite" tonight that the answer was no. I would not join in the war. After everything, I still have that choice not to be that guy. I've spent my whole life trying to work on my PTSD so I wouldn't turn into that guy. Even with PTSD war nightmares inside of me I can be outwardly peaceful instead.

I know it might not seem like a dramatically happy ending, but to me it was empowering. Waking up from a nightmare that put a gun in my hand can still be "rewritten" to say I didn't use it. This evening this "rewrite" brought tears to my eyes yet again. Tears of relief this time.

So thanks for helping me remember to "write" a happy ending to my nightmare. An ending in which war inside of me with PTSD doesn't determine my destiny in my outward behavior. Instead, and where I still choose to behave peacefully.

I can't get all of the PTSD and war out of me, but I can choose not to act out of PTSD and war nonetheless. I choose not to let PTSD define all of me. In the final analysis I, not my PTSD, still am the one that chooses how and who I will be. It's hard but in the end I choose to bust a gut and still to choose peace.

Thanks, everybody. Peace to all of y'all, too.

Great big hug for you muji..... I hope you will soon have some peaceful nights..... Bless you.....xo

I think your work with the students generally is good for you. Keeps your mind busy and allows you to use your compassion..which you have lots of :). The way you comforted the student who had a text of a family emergency, that was very touching. So your trauma from a child has brought you this gift I feel. There has to be some positives out of our childhood right?? I search for them too some days when it all seems dark.

Sorry about having nightmares, that is unsettling. Not sure if this helps but my main dreams are nightmares as I had posted awhile back. I now just expect them and they don't seem to have the same effect on me, sounds odd I know. But I have had them since I was a year and a half and feel they maybe part of my life. I do ground myself quickly when I get woken up and music on my phone helps me too. In the end they are in our brain and they really can't hurt us, that is what I tell myself. Hugs to you Muji sorry for the ramble

Musk, I like how you process nightmares that way without calling each one an emergency, just expected mental residue that you've got strategies to process with grounding techniques and music. Yeah, as you say, they can't hurt us, they are shadows.

Oh, Dooo, no worries about what you said about movies. I totally got what you meant. Your encouraging words about me mean a lot to me coming from you, they are a real boost to my self esteem when PTSD stuff gets me down. It means a lot coming from you for me to hear that I'm a great person when I myself am not feeling so great after a nightmare. So thank you.