Sounds like she doesn't understand triggers.
Words can be very triggering even if they are well intended.
She doesn't understand PTSD, plain and simple.

Most people do not.They would have to read a lot about it and do research and are too lazy to do it even if its for a loved one.
If she's married to you.She really should try and yes learn to phrase words differently to help you while you too get better with your triggers.

Out of ignorance people say the "darnest" things and no they do not get it and do not go through the effort it takes to get it either.

I relate to your story on so many levels I would just use other words to describe the events but theyre the same feelings and reactions at the core.
One thing I have discovered this past month since I have come to grips with my diagnoses of PTSD which was 2 years ago. Come to grips with, I mean learned more about what PTSD is and what its affects are on our minds and in our expressions of emotion. How creepy it is how we all react almost exactly the same, though our triggers are different. We can listen to some one describe a PTSD event from their lives and you almost think youre hearing yourself in your head but its their share, their reaction, their own unique event, but its your life experience. To me this is a conformation that I have PTSD and that my Dr. didnt just label me PTSD because, Bi polar was to strong or BPD didnt sound good after my name
I have PTSD! I dont like PTSD! I dont want to have to work hard to live normal! I want society to understand me and work with me not against me! I want my wife to WANT TO LEARN ABOUT PTSD! I want my wife to understand how she and what she communicates to me affects my mental state thus affecting my verbal and physical state.
We are all the same, we are PTSD!
ttocs

Wow, I think if you substituted the word wife with my ex's name, we would have the same story. I knew I had triggers when I met him. I was even kind enough to tell him about the ones I knew of that were major and some of the minor ones that don't always set off my symptoms. He was kind enough to walk right over those boundary lines, do the exact same thing to me that the kidnapper/rapist/murderer did to me, and then become livid with rage when I would turn on him and very nearly attack him. He would scream at me that I had no right to be angry, that he wasn't that guy. And I would scream back that I didn't need his help remembering being raped everyday for 6 months, that I was quite capable of remembering all on my own.

This man didn't care if I had triggers, he didn't care that I had lived in fear of my life and lives of my family for 8 months, or anything else. He didn't want to know how to help me.

I'm not saying that your wife doesn't care. Maybe she feels helpless. Or maybe she doesn't. I know what it is like now to have someone in my life who does care, who does want to understand as much as he can, and who tries very hard to reword things so that I don't have to relive my past. Speak to your wife when you haven't been triggered. Tell her that you know it must be hard for her, but you would really like for her to learn more about PTSD and what the two of you can do together to decrease your symptoms.

You fell into the old trap, marry your abuser. I was so sure I had not done this, different ethnicty, different size, different shape, but years proved that underneath he was unable to understand anything but his alcoholic family's needs. I didn't think of that. I don't know alcoholics, didn't know there were family dynamics, didn't know there were adult children of alcoholics. We don't choose wisely sometimes. I'm not looking, but next time, it will be inclusive of everything I learned since, minus fear. Darlin' I wish you well.

Ok, NOW I'm mad.
This is where things take a sharp left turn, folks, bear with me.

I have gender issues...and the thing is...
If I were entirely male...I would say she's been busting me in the 'nads.

I ranted about her behavior to a friend, and the friend, who is an FtM transguy...said "Do you ever find her behavior to be... emasculating?"

I replied back, "I TOLD her that!"

The thing is...she did not grow up female. She was always female in her head, she's female now. But she was socialized...guy.

She can't tell me what I am doing "wrong" without coming off as extremely condescending.
I have told her this. She has told me that it's all in my head, and that she "just wants me to do a good job."
(The implication of that being... I can't do a good job unless she tells me how to.)

This woman is so incredibly anal-retentive I have been yelled at for setting a wrench down on my car and not back, in the bag, in correct order, and this while I was working on the car and would need the same wrench again.
I bought my own tools and have told her she's not allowed to be around when I work on things.

So I have just realized that she's been helping to reinforce my sense of helplessness and my crippling perfectionism...FOR TEN YEARS! (pardon the shouting)
And she has so far not acknowledged what she's done. At this point we are talking via whiteboard notes and emails.

I told her I want her to acknowledge what she's done was wrong. I want her to admit the browbeating is about her, not me. I want her to accept that it's done years of damage. I want her to apologize. I want her to help fix the agency and self-esteem she's damaged. I want her to stop and never do it again.
That's a lot, but I'm mad as h***.
Me asking her to move out is a real serious option here.

I have been telling her that this stuff hurts and angers me for a while now, by the way. She has not been able to hear that so far.

I'm going to see if she's willing to listen now. If not I may need to clear out a spare room and buy something to sleep on.

Hi HR. By the way, I love your self-description as "nice oldish fart!"

If you'll bear with me, please allow me to come at this from a gentler direction. I don't know your wife, so I could be wrong, but I'm going to assume you both care about each other or you wouldn't have built a relationship lasting so many years. That said, I'm still not surprised to hear that she doesn't understand how PTSD affects you.

I know it's clear as day to YOU how words affect you, and you've tried your darndest to explain it to her. However, she doesn't have PTSD, so she has no personal frame of reference. It's like when scientists tell us butterflies can see ultraviolet light. Neat, but I can't imagine what ultraviolet light looks like to them. I can try to picture it, but it's out of my realm of experience.

My Hubby and I went through this for many years. Until a few years ago, I didn't even know my symptoms had a name. When I found out about PTSD, I expected him to go "Aha!" understand everything, and make it all better. But humans can't see uv light and people without PTSD can't understand triggers just by us explaining them.

I finally found something that helped, though. It was this article:
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/partners.html

It is written for partners of people with PTSD, and does a great job of explaining things in a way that non-PTSDers can understand. I recommend reading it yourself first, then picking a time when you are both in a good frame of mind, and non-combative, to sit down with her and read it together. There are lots of opportunities as you go through it together to add your input on how you would like to be supported when triggered, etc.

After reading this and talking with me about it, my husband really put in effort to support me. He said that before he mainly felt helpless and didn't know what to do to help. Nor did he understand how his words and actions truly affected me. Now he sometimes recognizes triggers on television before I even process them, and will change the channel or redirect my attention.

He still triggers me occasionally, by accident, but that's only normal. Now after it happens, he helps me through the reaction, and then after things are settled, we talk about what happened, which lets me know that it was unintentional and that he loves me even when something like that happens.

He has become, over the years, my knight in shining armor, speaking for me at the doctor's, when I get strongly triggered, insuring my safety in crowds, and helping me broaden my boundaries by encouraging me to push my limits with his constant support.

I hope the same happens for you. Check out that article and see if she's receptive to learning and being supportive of you as you work on healing.

If it turns out that she's not supportive, then it may be time to look elsewhere for that support. Either way, it's no reflection on you. You did the best you could growing up, and are doing the best you can now. The best support in the world is that which you give yourself. Without it, no one else can truly help. With it, you can do anything.

I hope you'll stay safe and be nice to yourself. You deserve that, and it helps others realize you deserve it, too.

~ Wistala