Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I am not sure if I am lost, or just hiding.
I told everyone of my worse situation right now, that my horse is not destined to be on this world much longer. But that is just the straw/tree trunk that is breaking the back of this camel that makes me cry. Everything else I either take huddled and hiding or head on and plow though it, depending on the day.
I have a lot I am juggling. Today it got the best of me. I spent hours uncontrollably shaking, barely able to speak. Oddly enough, even while I could not control my hands enough to lift a glass to my lips, I pointed out to my daughter that at least I have not curled up and screamed myself unconscious in over a year now. I think that is a really odd thought, but hey, glass half full! Why not?
I am slowly still getting the house packed. My self set deadline is getting close. Hubby goes back to working days end of March, and that is when we will be out of this house - probably a couple of weeks after, but you understand. Anything I do not have packed by the time hubby goes to days I will just pay someone to pack. Then we tear down the house and go from there...
I had to flunk another Service Dog last week. This is the second dog in a row who has become too protective over me. Misha is a beloved pet now, but I don't trust her out in public. Going out without a Service Dog makes me scared, but I just don't have it in me to try again right now.
So now it is just about getting my chronic pain back in check so I can move about. There is nothing quite as frustrating as WANTING to do something, but hurting to much to stand up.
I can curl up and die, or I can get out and live. I am going to choose to live, even if it kills me.
I told everyone of my worse situation right now, that my horse is not destined to be on this world much longer. But that is just the straw/tree trunk that is breaking the back of this camel that makes me cry. Everything else I either take huddled and hiding or head on and plow though it, depending on the day.
I have a lot I am juggling. Today it got the best of me. I spent hours uncontrollably shaking, barely able to speak. Oddly enough, even while I could not control my hands enough to lift a glass to my lips, I pointed out to my daughter that at least I have not curled up and screamed myself unconscious in over a year now. I think that is a really odd thought, but hey, glass half full! Why not?
I am slowly still getting the house packed. My self set deadline is getting close. Hubby goes back to working days end of March, and that is when we will be out of this house - probably a couple of weeks after, but you understand. Anything I do not have packed by the time hubby goes to days I will just pay someone to pack. Then we tear down the house and go from there...
I had to flunk another Service Dog last week. This is the second dog in a row who has become too protective over me. Misha is a beloved pet now, but I don't trust her out in public. Going out without a Service Dog makes me scared, but I just don't have it in me to try again right now.
So now it is just about getting my chronic pain back in check so I can move about. There is nothing quite as frustrating as WANTING to do something, but hurting to much to stand up.
I can curl up and die, or I can get out and live. I am going to choose to live, even if it kills me.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
...:(
I hope things get easier.
I recently visited my therapist very upset, triggered and angry. I was a bit hostile as well. She mentioned to me that I was function in my emotional mind. Once she got me out of the trigger and more stable, we talked about the emotion mind taking over. I realized that I was indeed functioning with my emotions taking charge. I also realized that my emotional mind is very negative and see only bad things. Is it possible your emotions are leading the way for you? Maybe you could try to do some mindfulness exercises to see if you can stay in the present rather than focusing on the future or the past. There is another way to look at this. You have a short time left with your horse, maybe you could spend the time caring for your horse and letting him know you love him. I am sure he would love for you to spend more time with him. I am sure he would appreciate an extra brushing, or special treats. It may make you feel better because you are caring for him and making sure he is comfortable in his final months. It is something you could feel good about doing for him and that may help the grieving process. Just a thought.
Hugs