I can only partly answer your question..

I do not mind being alone and i havelots of hobbies.But i do mind how i eded up living a life of isolation...And altough i got used it the way i ended up like this is very painful.

I disagree with a lot here that seem to think everyone can recover...Some us can not.And for different reasons....Some don't have medical access to good treatment and some due to their case history and for personal reasons can not........

Those people should be met of talk to ask if they did not WANT to recover........Its like beating a dead mule.

But they should be treated with compassion and understanding and heard.

I never recovered by the age of 12 i had lost all my will to live.

I saw many docs and tried many meds.

The best i can do is what i'm doing just keeping on living knowing my limitatons and doing the best i can.

Sometimes acceptance that a lot was lost and can not be recovered bring in a way a certain kind of peace.........Like people who have diabetes and have to have a limb cut....They are not going to grow another one..And anyone that would tell them that is cruel....They have to learn to live with the loses.

Its just the reality and no amount of cheesy cliches is going to change it.

I've seen a few come and go on this forum....And they have been met with cheesy cliches, advice, sometimes anger...and kindness too....I really miss some of them cause some stayed and some left the group...i wish they came back.

BTW you do matter cause you're a human being and you matter to yourself...........

I have never matter to anyone my wholelife.Honestly i have heard worse child abuse stories but not child emotional neglect>its like i was a plant...................Very very painful.I know what your talking about.

One good reason you should not take your life is because you have a son. What you do effects him greatly. You need to think how your actions now shape his idea of what adult life is.

When I parent commits suicide it greatly increases the chance that their offspring will do the same someday when the going gets rough.

Now that's the tough love that made me focus on recovering and learning to thrive again. My sons deserve a good role model.

I first want to start by saying that I am very sorry that you are struggling, but I am happy that you took the time to post on here. The world is absolutely filled with chaos, fear, anger, and pain, for most people, not just people with PTSD. And that's not something that I think will ever really resolve. I agree with what has already been said. I think just because your son moved out and is on his own, doesn't mean that you don't matter to him anymore, or that he doesn't depend on you. I think quite the opposite. Your job as a parent wasn't done as soon as he moved out, I'm sure that he still needs you, and will continue to need you.

Hello Taz.

There are many points or reasons for living and particularly if your a parent. Your son may have moved out, but your still his father and he needs to know you will be there for him always.

Try to focus on the example you want to be for him. It's okay for him to know your having troubles and feeling sad. We are, afterall, human first, than parents. Importantly, your son needs to see, that when the chips are down, you may feel defeated, BUT then you rise up and fight.

I am sure you dont want to ever imagine your son lying in the middle of a room, ready to take his own life, do you? Of course you dont -- then show him by example how to handle life's difficulties. As a parent, I know how hard that is to do. My kids have seen me very sad, in tears, not knowing what to do. But they've also watched me crawl back up on my feet and put my boxing gloves back on. That is one of the legacies I hope to leave with them - to never surrender.

And your right about seeing chaos, fear, anger, and pain everywhere. There's just one thing your missing.....and that is those same people, get up every single day and try again.

I see you've had a bad past history. No matter what, you did survive it....why? Because something inside of you told you to keep on going taz, else you wouldnt be here today.

I wanted to comment on one last thing you said....that you had not been very successful in much. I beg to differ with you. You brought a life into this world. Not only that, you raised him apparently well enough that he is now on his own and working. That is a huge accomplishment for any parent.

Among the chaos and fear you see, there is also much love, friendship, kindness, compassion, etc. if you look for it. Maybe try volunteering at a local shelter or some place like that. Reaching out to help others often helps us forget our own troubles and realize how good we really have it.

Did not mean to write a blinking novel here. But I hope maybe one thing I said will get you to think on a more positive note.

tazgore, i have wondered often what the point of my existence is. what the point of anyone's existence is. sometimes it just seems too much as if everyone and everything is trying to kill me that i think it would just be easier to give in. i think that if you could look at yourself objectively (wouldn't that be great? wish i could do it), you would see that there are many aspects of your life that have been successful. i think having ptsd makes us see things as black & white....life or death......too drastically. if only life were that easy. almost every thing in this life is gray area in reality. when a family member takes their life, it affects their family forever. i have absolutely no doubt that i would not be here if it weren't for my two kids. i was planning suicide at 17. i was completely serious about it. but something in me would not let me do it because i was pregnant. i have never had a dad. and it left a void in my life. your son needs you. you will always be the most important human ever in his life. and your life has value even if you didn't have children. i have come to the conclusion that the whole point of this life is to enjoy it to the fullest extent possible without hurting others. life is hard. it really sucks ass sometimes. but there is still incredible beauty and joy to be found. of course the good parts never last as long as i think they should. on my darkest days, i do whatever it takes to hold on until i see a glimpse of light again. my youngest moved out almost exactly a year ago. that was really hard for me. i pretended she was only napping in her bed when it got really bad. my ex brought someone over from another country to marry. and i have been single for 7 years. maybe that will change, maybe it won't. i have learned that it's okay for people to exit my life. it is for the best. for every bit of chaos, fear, anger and pain, there is a moment of happiness, contentment, warm fuzzies and security. i seem to do better when i just work toward being content. second by second. having a warm cup of tea, laughing at a youtube video, petting a fuzzy kitty, playing plants vs. zombies. i believe everyone is afraid of dying. most people just never talk about it. hang in there. you are important. and you can do this thing called life. *peace* & *hugs*

Apparently I had forgoten to pay my internet bill. about a half hour after i had made this post, it got shut down. So after a while, I called a good friend of mine. A friend that i had actually met here a couple of years ago. This person does not live close to me at all, so all we could do was talk. We talked until i fell asleep. This morning i took care of the bill. The very first thing I did when I got reconnected was to look at this post. Thank you for being there. Today is another day that i have to spend with my self. you see, I did have a full week scheduled, but my hours suddenly have been cut down. No more overtime. So I can no longer use work to keep from thinking about stuff.
Anyway, thank you everyone about what yall said. I think i'll just try and go back to sleep.

Along the way , even after sincere years of PTSD therapy, I lost career, marriage, freedom, money, faith, church, friends....You name it, I ended up with nothing, as you say, to tie me to the world as well.

Then it dawned on me that this freedom, as the song says, with nothing left to lose, gave me the chance to be selfish in a positive way and make meaning of a life that felt meaningless. It was a glass half empty/glass half full moment in my life. I can't convince you of which way to look at it, but the shift really started to build a life for me that, though it had dramatically less things, people, and status in it, it was genuinely mine and it was honest, authentic, truthful.

What little meaning I made of my life in the eyes of others, it was real. It has been a shift toward embracing life all in and it's been worth it.

Your writing is very articulate even as you're expressing your pain here. It's a kind of pain I know too well. I also know you may be equipped to embrace life in a new way if you so choose. i am no mental health professional and I have no answer. But I can testify to the fact that I've been there, and life afterwards for me is worth it and good.

My 2 cents is, as real as your pain is and as your thoughts are, don't give up in case there might be more to life. There was for me. That's all I can say. You're not alone.

as lame as this may sound ive found that trying to catching and changing my negative thoughts help. its difficult to find the better you when you keep hearing the negative inside. there is good in most of what seems bad. if u say something enough times u start to believe it.

being down on myself kept and keeps me down if i dont try to shake it by changing my thoughts. over time u begin to feel better enough about urself which can lead to more positive interactions which may help u find ur way.

dealing with a ptsd issue is something else. it takes awhile to regroup after an incident. but i come through. your place is out there.

dchoney2, I like how you said your thoughts on this were "lame" yet true. I was hospitalized once when I was depressed following a divorce, and wen to sessions with people who had attempted suicide multiple times and had years in therapy around the issue. For me it seemed like it needed to stop mattering to me whether advice I heard was "lame" or not and to learn to live regardless. Thanks for what you said.