Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I had to get a dress for my husband's client's events for Wednesday. I already purchased the perfect dress, but realized it had a tear as soon as I tried it on again at home. I really wanted that particular dress and I didn't have much time so I ended up ordering the dress online from the only store that had store pickup. That store was in a location I associate with my assault. It was where we were supposed to go that night, but never made it. I've been all over today and these feelings of fear and guilt will not leave. None. My husband keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong, but I cannot convince myself of that. I keep analyzing every thing that I did "wrong" like going to his apartment and not going to the police. I am randomly crying. I have been dissociating as well. I feel totally worthless and I was afraid to fall asleep last night. I just didn't.
While we were there, I had a sort of panic attack. I felt like I had a really high fever, a headache, dizziness, and my heart was racing. It was not like a I have to go to the ER thing, but I didn't know what was going on with my body.
I was proud that I did go there and I picked up the dress. I didn't go alone. I was going to and I see how much more disasterous that would have been. I'm just trying not to be as hypervigilant as I am right now, but I don't think it's possible for me not to. I also have to think about the dissociation and techniques to ground. I made it out without any self injury too, but I feel like I'm going crazy now.
Has anyone had an experience like this where there's something associated with the trauma that you thought you would be OK with, but instead you end up a wreck?
What I learned is that all I can do is try and to remember to be kind to myself. I had something happen to me that was not my fault (you are not responsible for the actions of others), but I am still going to live my life. Sometimes it will feel awful and uncomfortable, even embarrassing. How can others go the grocery and not have a panic attack? It can make me feel less than. But again, I (we) did not choose for this to happen us and we're doing the best we can with an incredibly difficult situation.
You displayed courage and strength going to that place and it's very admirable. Personally, I think it's amazing that you went to place that held that much meaning. In a way, you're taking back the places that were stolen from you and you're doing it in a healthy way aka you knew to take someone with you and are now using coping mechanisms.
So yes, I know how you feel and it's awful. Those feelings of fear and panic are one hundred percent valid. As you mentioned though too, be proud. Freaking buy yourself an ice cream or something because you did an incredibly difficult thing and you made it through.
I just thought that because it didn't happen there it would be OK. I know that's where I was supposed to be, but never made it, but it didn't happen there. I honestly feel that this trauma has changed my life forever and that just one trigger can bring it up all over again and again.
My assault was 25+yrs ago I was 14 told no one for 18 months & in a total breakdown told my parents. They got me some of the best help & signed me up for self defense & along w/talk therapy & I did biofeedback. I struggled for a long time but around college my "flare ups" as I called them were less & less. I had gotten to point in last 20yrs where virtually no flare ups, & I felt at peace. BUT l8ly I'm struggling & Idk where it came from. About year ago if someone knocked on my car door (friend spouse stranger any1) I'd flip out or just take off. (My assault was in my car) the other day at 6am my husband comes outside & I'm rambling "fixing" my car until he grabbed/pulled me into a hug idk where I was. But I had in pocket knife, scissors, tracking device, small voice recorder, whistles/"rape" alarms etc hidden in my car. B4 once inside my car doors locked I felt "safe(r)" w/my attack I was reaching n2 mom's car to grab gym bag & was shoved in by a stranger. Sorry I'm rambling but literally today I looked into alternative PTSD treatments like EMDR cuz I must have stuffed/buried part of the trauma yrs ago & now my body is saying you're still holding onto pieces that need 2B addressed. Counselor I talked w/on phone 2day says this is very common. Often we block the whole trauma or parts of it cuz it's just too much & out brain hides it to protect us. Again sorry I feel I turned this into my post vs my reply but I feel we're going through similar process. I blocked something out 25yrs ago & it's now surfacing. With the location triggering you it could be the guilt/shame you mentioned. When you arrived @the location you may have questioned how did I make it here this time or EVERYTHING you questioned yourself from that day the what could I have done differently creeps in.
Keep sharing, try different therapies & KNOW U R NOT A VICTIM AND I TRY TO FOCUS ON THE THINGS I DID RIGHT THAT NIGHT VS WRONG CAUSE EVERY TRAUMA/ASSAULT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. REMEMBER WHAT DID YOU DO RIGHT THAT NIGHT!!!!
<<**hugs**>>
If you want to talk more (I could use someone to talk with too) send me a private message. You're not alone
Scott
Scott - those are some wise words. Thank you.