He was wronged, in taht profiling. I don't know if that's victim blaming b/c I don't know details, nor do I have the earned right/trust, but... when they tell you "it's X" and you know da*n well it was a number and not even a letter....? It's a way to turn things around, to suit a pre-determined "paradigm". You feel blamed, even if the words "it's your fault" aren't spoken, in my experience of such.

Gentle supporting puma purrs.

To my current psychosis, the critical detail in whether or not I can call it, "Victim Blaming" is gender. Tempted to call that, "Sexism" but. . . Tried that once. . . Will don riot gear before trying it again.

Kids that physically look even just a little bit older than others...get held to a drastically higher level of expectations too. As if a 15 year old has the power to stop anything... Those extra inches that boys gain in their growth spurt, comes back and slams them big time...

it seems to me the need for permission? is in play here? a need for validation of the words you feel you need to use to define your perspectives and feelings? is say this because i have learned that sometimes i feel like i need permission from a trusted source sometimes to make sure its ok and i'm not crazy. validation that what i'm feeling is legit. then i can move into giving myself permission to feel and self-validate without fear of back-lash. i point out here all of this i do in a very safe place. (i know that can be hard to find)

i don't know enough nor would i be the right person to give you that go ahead. but if that is what you are looking for maybe you can open up to someone you feel safe with to help you with that need. i do offer my support as you work through this. gentle squishies.

If by getting profiled you mean something like getting labeled by the authorities, then maybe what happened to me when I got divorced in 2001 was something like that, I don't know. I've told the story here. I'd been in a meditation group since being diagnosed 5 years earlier, and I was in a weekly face to face support group. When the divorce challenged me, I spoke about my feelings in my meditation group the way I'd learned to speak in my support group. Nothing more than that. No threats, just venting like we do here.

My meditation group went behind my back to the cops, and the cops showed up at my door the next morning. I was on sabbatical from teaching at the university, so being involuntarily committed didn't make me miss work and "out" me there. But since I was in the midst of a hostile divorce, the court hearing to get me out of the psychiatric ward at the hospital was very risky to my divorce proceeding. I was mistreated at the hospital, too, stripped, shot up with Haldol, and restrained face down on a gurney for a weekend. If the meditation group meant to help, they raised the anxiety stakes instead. Not to mention that they took away my meditation practice as well because I didn't feel comfortable going there again.

In the end, I had a stress breakdown and lost my career and went bankrupt, losing my house, too. All because I asked a meditation group I'd known for 5 years for the kind of support I got from my support group. I learned context is everything, and a lack of context can get you profiled. So sorry that happened to your brother, arfie. From the sound of it, he lost a lot more than I did. My condolences as you mourn him.

I am so sorry sweetie..... There is far too much injustice in the world.... It's terrible when your life has been altered by it..... Huge hug of comfort and support for you and a blessing and for your dear brother as well.....
Injustice is one of the worst travesties to endure .... I hope that you will eventually be able to give the people who created it the ownership .... Another hug......xo

Unforgivable things have happened when I have tried to defend my brother in therapy groups, despite the fact that he committed exactly one offensive act toward me without outside force from adults. In between our attempt to find help together and his first suicide attempt. He kicked me in a fit of anger and frustration. I still don't blame him. I always had been far more volatile than he. He *owed* me. His kick was far more gentle than my softest kicks had been. My legs are pretty fierce.

DG, In the quiet of my own strictly personals, no I need no permission to call this both victim blaming and sexism at its worse. Double dare you to go say that out loud at any given support group. Triple dare ya. . . Quadruple dare ya. . . Be sure to wear protective gear if you accept my dare. Even the all male support groups I have attended in the Army and at the VA went rabid over the notion.

"Sexual predator" is one of the nicer things male rape victims are typically profiled to be. . .

I'm so sorry Big Bro. I know, not my fault, but you still didn't deserve any of ^it^, from the very first body rape to the very last soul rape. Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.

No arf, no he didn't. He was a child. A young soul just as much as you or me. Part of the damage done to him was having to know what was done to his sister and that he was powerless over it. Sometimes it's harder to have things done to those we love. And worse by orders of magnitude to be brought into the abuse. No, no he was a victim in this too. 100%

I'm really sorry you lost him, Arfie. No, he didn't deserve any of that torture...and neither did you. Neither do any of the children.

Sounds like you two were pretty close. ...I used to kick my brother's butt all the time...then he grew up. (: We were close too. I once helped him escape from a mental hospital; I was 13, him 14. That was a scary thing to do. We sure did have some adventures though. I'm glad you and your brother had each other. May he rest in peace. Hugs, Arf. ♥

Arf, I can't call my late sister a gentle or poetic soul. Twisted, tangled, and unsure if she loved or hated herself and the acts she committed.... So do I blame her? Yeah. She continued long after she was capable of choosing otherwise. But .... I blame her kid-self less than I do her adult-self. Now, at any rate. Seeing that when you're in hell, you just do what you gotta, and she did what she felt she had to. In her eyes, I owed her, b/c my birth made things "worse" for her (e.g., she was no longer only child), and then.... Yeah, well, it's horrible, shew was a victim, but she was 25 and doing horrible things. Not a one-off kick as a kid. She spent 20 years kicking me, classmates, et.c,....
So that line between "victim" and perp? Blurs in her case. Mine. Ours. Whatever it is.

For you and yoru brother? One kick? And that's got him off the "victim" list? ?! Oh, that's wrong on so many levels! No, that kick isn't okay, but it's one act. I was dodging that crap daily for years. If all my sis did was one kick, I'd mourn her loss deeply, as a fellow victim. Gender notwithstanding.

As I wasn't sure the details, I hesitated earlier, and I apologize. It's difficult enough to sort without all the rest....
I do agree, btw, that people tend to think boys can't be victims. Polarized thinking. Sucks. Gentle puma hugs.

Where do all my kicks put me on your victim list, Leo?

Gentle isnae on my strictly personal nature list. Gentle doesnae come natural to me. It be a hard study for me. I am grateful I get to study it through the filters of feminine stereotypes.

Healing hopes for the abuse you suffered at the hands of your sister, gentle lioness.

I can say nothing as I intend it of late. I give up. It's our choices. Our intent. Our ability to know if wha twe're doing is wrong and/or caring if it is. There's a thousand things in it and none, and I don't fucking well know, pardon my English. I'n not exactly a dainty fluffy cotton ball rose petal myself.... But... My sis enjoyed kicking others. Smirked to see pain. She was a victim-turned-perp in the deepest sense, saw nothing wrong in it.

I don't have a "victim list". You got kicked? You got kicked. You kicked? You kicked. You enjoyed kicking an dlaughed at the pain it caused? OK, you did that.... and that's where my sis crossed into becoming the perpetrator, for me. When she was equipped by time, education, social conditioning to know better and loved making people hurt anyway b/c hey, why not?....
Where's that put her on the mythological victim list? No clue.

Leaving it all be for another round. It is what it is whether I understand it, or knot.

Had two big appetite days in a row. Sleep still restless, but coming. Think I might be in danger of stabilizing. Maybe. Still stepping small.

My deepest support to you Arfie. I have nothing to say that hasn't been said here before, only that I'm sorry you are hurting and that your brother was profiled and misunderstood. He seems like he was a loving and beautiful soul.

Thank you, Dance. He was a deeply damaged adult I never really knew because he respected my need and ability to estrange myself from the birth clan, but a beautiful big brother when we were small.

Is it tragic that I grieve his life more than his death? Such a waste of potential. . .