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Good Morning, Friends! I have a special friend in my life who is quite a remarkable fellow. He was a Southern Baptist Minister until he came out as gay and was banished. He was involved in the ex-gay movement for a short period of time, and then the ex-ex- gay movement- which put him in the media spotlight on radio, television, and international press. There is a lot of stir about that now, during "Pride Month" all the harm that is done in "conversion therapy," and how it often leads to shame and suicide. My friend, Dr. J., has a Ph.D in Spiritual Psychology and Th.D in theology. He has served as a chaplin in hospice care for many years, and most recently earned his CAP and worked as a therapist in rehabs. Now he is semi-retired and offers addiction counseling. He has also published three books.
This morning while speaking with him about my angst over so many relationships ending in my life recently, it occurred to me that what we need so much is "validation." We need to know that we are heard and respected and understood- even when someone does not necessarily agree with our point of view or share our feelings. Just honest, compassionate communication.
How rare is that?
Perhaps we seek out those who will substantiate our own beliefs for a sense of validation- but this often leads to an impasse, since we are each unique. Are you familiar with the "Huxlean Circle?" Aldous Huxley conceived of a circle of 360 degrees, with a peg at each degree. Reality is in the center. Each of us are on our "peg" looking at Reality from our own point of view. Some of us are able to climb down from our peg and move over a peg or two and get a glimpse from a different angle. The "enlightened" person is running around the circle at the speed of light!
I often think of that imagery to remind myself of how "narrow minded" my own thinking is, however much I might like to believe otherwise. In Zen, the 1st Step of the "Noble 8-Fold Path" (to enlightenment) is "Right View." Usually, this is indicated as "no wrong or distorted view," but ultimately it means NO VIEW: just being fully present in the moment without judgment, fully aware.
To even get a taste of that takes some silence and solitude, if not meditation.
If we reach that space of inner peace, we can, for a moment, even release the need for validation and experience what it feels like to be self-contained.
Thoughts???
Okay...um, how to explain....I'm helping my daughter with some of her studying for physics this summer. When she misunderstands something, I could "validate" her thoughts...but if they aren't reflective of Reality...then I'm not doing her a favor.
Meanwhile, as she comes upon things that she doesn't understand, listening to her Feelings...is helpful.
Put another way, if you're hearing voices that are not there...I am NOT helping you if I just go ahead and agree with you. Although I CAN, validate your FEARS. ("That must be very frightening to hear those voices.")
Same with addictions. ("Wow, that's a very difficult situation, I can really understand the wish to just make all of the thoughts go away for a few hours with a beer.")
The issue with the analogy that I have is this: It will work, if the "eyes" through which we look at reality are perfect. If we have clouds in our eyes, color blindness, etc....then it doesn't really matter if we look at something from all sides...we're still not going to quite be seeing the "reality" of it.
That said, in the search for "reality"....a second point of view is going to be vastly superior to just one vantage point.
Maybe the "Huxlean Circle" is a myth? If so, I still like to envision it!
Simpson, you have lived a charmed life! You qualify to start a Guru School!
Yes, I agree, validation of how we experience our lives is really important. Like having my regard for Thich Nhat Hanh validated just by weeing his name mentioned in your post above, Stormy. I call it "bearing witness" for one another. Just the fact that our trials and triumphs aren't invisible means a lot. In my post-grad internships and residency training we were taught "mirroring" to validate what our hospital patients told us they were going through.
That song by Arcade Fire "We Exist" comes to mind.