I think part of the key to stop the pattern is to somehow realize that PART of you thought you deserved the pain the original men put you through.

Once you embrace that you ARE worthy of being treated with dignity and respect, then you will find that you are not attracted to that type of man.

At least, that's what worked for me.

Hugs!

I'm male, and the person behind my childhood abuse turned out to be my mother. Until I broke through my denial about that after much therapy, I chose to be with partners like my abuser, too. It really helps to break that cycle.

I applaud your awareness. I don't know how long it's taken you to figure that out. I am too embarrassed to tell you how long it took for me. Nonetheless, in the end the freedom from that cycle has been totally worth it.

I still battle with unhealthy attractions, but the empowered being within has managed to avoid getting involved in any way with them.

Perhaps the attraction is something that takes a little longer to purge, but making better choices for you is within your reach.

All the best to you.

Yeah, I had to realize I was on the unhealthy attraction track when a beautiful, smart woman I got very serious with was arrested for pumping seven bullets from her handgun into the side of the neighbor's house because they were making noise. Like I said, it took an embarrassingly long time for me to snap out of my denial. I was a mama's boy, and raised never to question my mother. Even to that extreme. You are much more self aware much more quickly. Good for you.

Hello Lilaolivia, welcome to the board.

I'm thinking that this quiet, alone time might be just what you need for reflection and more healing. Maybe you could find some reading material on healthy relationships and boundaries.

I also think it's healthy to not seek out male companions until you are content with your life, as it is, all by yourself. Then understand that whoever you date should improve this life you've made for yourself, NOT turn it into chaos!

Give yourself a break and relax for a while. Focus on only you and continued healing of that inner child.

Take care.....

True, Cindy.

Only after I gave myself a one year "dating time out" and really chill out with myself did I find My Good Guy.

If I had found him sooner, I probably wouldn't have known how to treat/handle him. In fact I almost screwed it up once or twice in the beginning! It's been a great 2.5 years of marriage now. One or two little hiccoughs, but I'll take that over the drama fests I used to have with the lesser-variety male...

Deli, I went thru a phase after I left my ex and during the divorce, that I went looking for someone. Big, huge mistake. I hadnt even begun to deal or heal from my ptsd. I think this happens with many people, they aren't actually ready, but looking to fill up that empty space.

Once I became happy and content with my life, I discovered that I wasnt willing to tolerate anything but decent behavior, not just from men, but from anyone.

Lila, this is what I wish for you as well. : )

I apologize for not having responded to all of you who responded to my post... I did not know how to do that until this morning... Thank each of you for your support and encouragement... I am grateful I found this page and am grateful I found a way to journal my thoughts and feelings... Even in this short time, it has been such a release for me... All my heart to you,Li
laolivia...

I will add that some men that abuse can be so charming until they are not. Better at masking since they know the payoff off reeling you in. Some don't know that this is what they do...if they are also damaged. It is the relationship tool they learned as children. I went to a 3 month thing even when I met John. A lot of learning and watching to see what he was about. He didn't understand until later when I could trust him. Being loved when we have been hurt, does make us vulnerable to that charm.
So take care...friends first, you might get lucky that as you get to know them the shining armor is real...I did.

When I was 19 I had a favorite t-shirt that I would ware all the time... It said in big sparkly bold letters, LOSER MAGNET...!!! I truly believed the shirt for the very reasons you describe in your post...!!! The best part about this shirt is that when I wore it and men would try and chat me up... I would point to the shirt and say, you must be a looser if your trying to pick me up... Not interested...!!! Lol...
Just wanted to say... I understand girly...!!! I've been there and married that...!!!! Lol... I truly wish I had the good advice to give you, but I think others here have said it nicely... These people here are very wise and knowledgable and I would trust the advice they have to offer...!!! Welcome to the group...
Come post here often if it helps...
We are listening and will support you as best we can...!!!