i don't wnat to be a self harmer.  i have been one all my life.  it was only 4 or so years ago when i finally really attempted to get help.  i'm 65 now.  for me self harm is not cutting my skin on my thighs or belly or wherever on a regular basis.  i only really did that once when i was a lot younger.  that doesn't mean i don't do it though.  i won't get into specifics, but it is just as much no good.  but my self harm happens in other ways also and that goes beyond a variety of physical methods to psychological methods as well.  so much time is spent doing that that generally speaking, i'm self harming constantly.  i have tried medications a few times and am certain that these will not work for me.  i may be wrong but try convincing me of that.  i believe that the part of my mind that makes me self harm is the part of me that is creative, that loves, that wants to do things.  and i felt that part of me becoming crippled when i was on medication.  so it brought to light in me the question,  why do i have to give up the part of me i love and need in order to try to stop the part of me that harms me.  i bet there are some people to whom the answer is obvious.  that if i take the meds, i'll stop harming and i'll be alive.  that makes it worth it.  i can only respond to that with - that will also make me want to kill myself at that point.  so i've been searching for intensive treatment programs and have gone through a the ones in the usa that won't take my insurance.  pretty disappointing.  my therapist has been working on it and found a place that said they would contact me within a week.  they already once rejected me because i'm an active self harmer, but my therapist seemed to think they'd reconsider.  but that was a week ago and i have not yet heard. later today this morning when i wake up if i ever get back to sleep, is the final day of the period when they said they woudl contact me.  do you have any idea what that kind of taunt is like.  to be disappointed so many times because they just don't help self harmers unless theyre dripping blood and then they only close the wound and tell you to go and get help for your other problem.  really, i feel like starting an eating disorder or give other self harmful things a try and the thoughs of that sound so appealing.  those kinds of things are decisive.  i'd love that.  to finally go so deeply into self harm, to know i've done damage that can never be fixed.  and i believe i am being aided in this by the mental healthcare system.  the just dont want to help my type of problem or better still they don't know how.  they realize it can't be done, so they give me the runnaound and let me know that tough shit, its really just my problem anyway.  they are ok with that.  i'd really try if someone would dedicate themselves to treating me.  there's the catch. dedication.  no one will do that.  getting help is only by choice and if i don't choose, i will never get help.   i have to scream it - i can not choose.  my problem is that i cannot choose.  i believe that i had some kind of damage before i learned to make choices.  it sounds impossibe i know.  but when it comese to it.  the moment of do i self harm or not?? something steps in and makes me do it.  it doesn't matter how good my intentions are.  i'm not doing something to be bad or contrary or ornary.  it is something that jsut steps in and does it.