Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Okay this is probably going to be insufferably long but I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. I'm just really having a hard time right now because I'm just struggling realizing as I've done in the past that I never had anyone who truly took care of me. I've always taken care of everybody else and no one ever took care of me. My grandmother was wonderful and she was too old to be able to do anything other than just be my grandma and my friend when I was younger. My mom was always so co-dependent that she basically always expected me to take care of her. So I always grew up taking care of her and never knew what it was like to have anyone take care of me and now I feel completely stunted emotionally and have no idea what it's like to have true friends and I feel so vulnerable and emotionally stupid because socially I am so awkward and just do not pick up on the social cues that the majority of people come by naturally. I never had the opportunity to grow up surrounded by friends and knowing what it's like to be in a social group and getting the opportunity to just be a normal kid. Lamenting the loss of a childhood that never existed right now. Because as a child I always had to take care of my parents. I was always required to do things for my parents. It was more than just doing chores which I loved doing by the way. It was more of a requirement of Simply always being there for them. It was as if my mom couldn't exist without me. My mom's Guardian found something in which she had journaled that she was glad when I survived a suicide attempt because she was glad that Jehovah God has saved my life for her. The guardian thought that was a really odd thing for someone to say. It wasn't she was glad that I was alive because of myself because I needed to be alive. It's because she always wanted me to be alive for her sake. My living has only been for her sake. My living has always been only to take care of her and now that she's in a nursing home and suffering from dementia because her brain basically cannot accept the fact that she allowed my father to abused me for 30 years, I am glad that I don't have to deal with her anymore. And at the same time I feel so hopeless and helpless because I will never have the opportunity to have a mommy. Everybody should get the chance to have a mommy. a mommy is somebody who takes care of you when you're sick. A mommy is someone who hugs you when you're crying and upset and feeling like nobody cares about you. Mommy is someone who kisses you and makes everything else go away. I've never had a mommy. And I never will. And today I'm really Mourning that fact. Because I feel awful both physically and emotionally and I really could use somebody here present with me to take care of me and I don't have anybody who can do that. I live by myself. And it doesn't seem to matter how often I tell people that it would help if they would call me from time to time to check up on me and see how I'm doing, especially if I don't come to our religious meetings, I feel so alone. I do everything I can make others feel welcomed and loved and invited. I never want anyone to feel the loneliness that I feel. And yet, it doesn't seem to matter. I know that people are busy, and yet the cognitive distortions in my head cause me to think and feel that I could just drop off this planet and never be seen or heard from again and only my one best friend would ever make an attempt to figure out what happened to me. I know people care about me and love me, and it still seems like they're not able to put forth the effort outside of the time that they see me at our religious meetings. they're wonderful people oh, don't get me wrong. I love them dearly. Like I said I'm just feeling vulnerable right now and my cognitive distortions are going crazy. I just really need somebody to take care of me and it's not going to happen. but I keep getting flashbacks of my father when he drugged me, standing over me. Before he raped me each time. I can't get his face out of my my head no matter what I do. I'm so exhausted. if anybody took the time to read all of this I'm grateful beyond belief.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I was robbed of parents, family, life... due to abuse and neglect. No one was ever there for me in any way at any point in my life. I suffer everyday bcuz of what I was put thru and I suffer thru it alone bcuz no one has cared enough to be here for me.
I practice giving myself the things I was robbed of including a loving mom. I try and be that to myself bcuz I'm all I really have in life.
I'm sorry ur experiencing this. I go thru ptsd on a daily basis and understand how it's hard to get it out of ur head.
I hope u can find support here.
As messed up as that often repeated comment was, it took seeing her interact with my children...to get just how inappropriate she was.
Total support...Patti
"Lamenting the loss of a childhood that never existed right now. Because as a child I always had to take care of my parents."
I think the thing I myself learned most from teaching psych classes on death and dying to nursing students was just what you wrote. I thought we people grieved for the loss of what we had when we mourn. But I've learned that we also grieve for what we never, ever had, too, when something happens to make us realize we were never going to have it now.
Like you, I had to learn to grieve the childhood I never had. Being raised in a South American war zone gave me lots of exciting war stories to tell as an adult. But I realized eventually I would have traded all of that for a boring, ordinary, suburban childhood.
During the war my dad abandoned us down there, and I had to be the "little man" of the house to protect my mom and sister. That meant running to get the neighbor to come with his gun one night when someone tried to break in, things like that. It was more than any 10 year old kid ought to have to cope with, especially one who survived sexual assaults from a pedophile that same year.
In therapy, my therapist had me talk to that little kid I once was, he had me cheer for that little Muji. It doesn't make up for what happened, but it helps me live with it to give that kid credit for getting everybody through all of that stuff. You deserve a lot of credit, too.