Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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TW On the edge

lllovelyrecovery
lllovelyrecovery
Tonight, I feel like I'm "on the edge". I know this isn't the self injury group but.. well honestly this is the only group of people who seem to care about people outside of themselves, that I've experienced at least... that's not meant to be offensive to anyone. Ok.. Moving on.

It's as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, with my arms wide and the wind is blowing my hair into a mess. And then, I slowly lean forward onto my tiptoes and then.. fall.

I feel like I'm waiting for a real life tiptoe moment so I can hurt myself with good reason. I know that sounds strange..

I'm having self harm urges strongly the last few days and I know that it's useless, not worth it, blah blah etc. I've been clean for 7 months but I want to give in. I want to do it. I want to cut and really hurt myself.
Deep, deep, deep down... I know I likely won't do that. No matter how much I want to.

I guess what's really made me start walking toward my "cliff" is realizing that I can hardly remember most of my years. Being only 19, I don't have many years to remember but it's stressful because I am having a hard time remembering things about my mom when I was a child. I miss her dearly and I want to be able to remember the great things all the time and I don't know if I'll get those memories back..
arfie
arfie
Gentle validation, lilove. Self-injury is a common topic here. I vote we include self-sabotage, self-destruct habits and the endlessly creative ways wounded souls find to make their pain comprehensible as, "Self-injury." Just a vote...

I was 19 when an Army shrink spotted my, "Trauma Induced Amnesia." I add the quotation marks because this was 1973. I am clueless what it is called here in the 21st century. Don't minimize how much a 19 year old has to remember.

Are you doing any kind of therapy geared toward getting those memories back? Do you know what incident(s) caused the blocks?
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Yeah, this may be the DS PTSD site, but self injury is something we often do in reaction to the dissociating numbness that comes from PTSD. And then it gives some temporary relief but compounds the problem. We know. But it's hard to get past that dissociation.

Speaking for myself, that numbness has scared me over the years more than my heavy metal nightmares or technicolor flashbacks--at least those are feelings, even if they're very, very bad ones.

Other ways we've been known to respond to that numbness is self medicating with liquor or with street drugs just to feel something. Or getting into thrills and spills and being a daredevil dancing on that edge you speak of.

You're not alone here. Peace to you. And peace is not numbness, I've found. The fits and starts of peace are real feelings all their own. In spite of all, they are possible for us, too.
donnawanda
donnawanda
It's good that you're aware of what you're feeling. The most dangerous thing is when you have those urges but it's not conscious, so you have "accidents". Knowing what you feel, you can be extra conscious of what you're doing and avoid situations where you might be tempted to have an "accident".

I am sure you will get your good memories of your mother back. It might take a while, but you will. Hold on and take good care of yourself as your mother would want you to. I am sure she's with you in spirit, and if you try, maybe you'll be able to feel her, too.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think it is such a show of strength that you are able to talk about your feelings and reach out for help. For the longest time I was afraid to share my pain. I can relate to the self injury desire. There used to be times when I would self injure myself just so I could feel something because I felt so numb inside. I have moved beyond those urges with professional help and support. I urge you to talk with a skilled professional. Sending you peace and acceptence
lllovelyrecovery
lllovelyrecovery
Arfie, I'm not doing therapy specifically to get those memories back. To be honest, no one understood my symptoms whatsoever, not even my pdoc, until I visited a psychologist who helped me begin my recovery process and discussed with him what was going on... it was really frustrating and still is. My current therapist is on my college campus and he's really great. I think what caused the blocks could be a few things, but mostly I think it might be because she got so sick and it was really hard to watch or understand at the time. I was too young to really grasp it I guess.
Thanks for your replies mujica and donna.
I'm going to talk to my therapist at my next visit if there's anything we can do to try to help me remember things. It's odd because I can't remember my childhood, high school, or even my first year in college very well, which was just last year. I know it's probably all trauma related but it's really confusing to still be having dissociative issues and somehow losing so many memories.
arfie
arfie
It's funny, kinda, that with my own amnesia, it never occurred to me that I had any good memories to recover. Logically, I should have known. Not even the most horrid of lives is ALL bad, but I was too busy fighting the bad memories to be real logical about it.

In my own case, I had to get comfortable remembering the bad stuff before I could get to the good stuff.

However it works out for you, sending you healing hopes.
looney1
looney1
I would see this as a message that something in your life needs to change and self harm is a way of avoiding taking action. Throw caution to the winds and embrace change and adventure. You only have one life so leave the past and embrace the future.
Rizen
Rizen
This reminds me of a dream I had where I did jump off a cliff. That was really scary.
It's good you're aware and seeking help. Try to keep in mind that you will feel better again and bad times come and go in waves. Sometimes the waves can last a very long time.

Do you have any pictures of your mom? Maybe you can write in a journal or something about her to help remember.
lllovelyrecovery
lllovelyrecovery
Rizen, I just asked my family last night to mail me some actual print copies of pictures of her and a lot of those, I'm guessing, will be from childhood because no one actually prints things these days. I have a few of her on my computer but some of them are really upsetting to look at.
lllovelyrecovery
lllovelyrecovery
lilly, I totally understand what you mean. I know I smile a lot but I had a moment a few weeks ago where it felt REAL. It's a little weird, to be honest!
I don't think I'm totally numb but I do feel like I'm dulled emotionally. Sometimes I so badly wish I could cry to get up and over a bad day, or to be able to have a real smile every time.
lllovelyrecovery
lllovelyrecovery
It's all a bit weird and unfamiliar. I didn't realize til recently that I really did feel numb at times. I'm thankful for the support I'm finding here.

I'm glad you're starting to find yourself, That's wonderful!
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