I'm sore that you feel so badly and your life seems so hard. I've had a lot of misfortune in my life also. My son wants nothing to do with me and I haven't seen him in 13 years. I couldn't even get out of bed for 6 weeks because he told me he wants nothing to do with me. There is a saying, "You don't get what you deserve in life, you get what you expect ". I know this sounds simplistic, but maybe we bring on what we expect to happen. Maybe when we think nothing good happens to me, that is what we get, nothing good. Maybe if we focus on what we DO have instead of the bad stuff, we'll bring in more of the good things. Maybe, if the bad comes into our lives, we ignore it and focus on any positive thing that there IS in our life, we will begin to get more good stuff in our lives. I don't know, I may be wrong, but I'm not spending anymore time in bed crying over someone who obviously doesn't care about me!! Good luck to you and be good to yourself. You deserve BETTER!!

Just myself:

I'm atheist. I have no "purpose" here on Earth. If the Christians are right, I've made sure that myself and my children will forever pay in hell for rejecting their beliefs (at least in the old testament being a good person meant something...new testament is all about belief...which I won't pretend because I think lying about it is worse than pretending...).

That said, being atheist, I stopped praying for anyone to rescue me. Stopped begging for someone to hold me (just never happened in my life...would have been nice, I've certainly held more than my share of people in crisis, but when I needed help...I got lectures, not caring).

And well, sh*t happens to me too. Stuff breaks, stuff goes wrong at the worst time. Sometimes I handle it well, sometimes I don't.


That said...I have my health (most of it). My kids have their health. Neither is in jail they've never faced real hardship. Virtually no chance of them ever starving to death or facing drought (50% of the world faces this...historically parents have buried at least one child, mothers often died in childbirth).

So...I'm lucky. And so are you. Any time day or night, I can walk a few steps away and get fresh WATER running out of my tap...think about that...really think. It's not a miracle (I don't believe in miracles)...it's years and years of humans doing good things for other humans....what a WONDERFUL world we live in!! Not only that...I have a refrigerator!!

My mother was old enough to remember ice boxes... Ice cream, frozen meat, frozen spinach 365 days a year... Even if I only had $100/ month to spend on food (as I used to for years)...I'd still live like a king compared to most in history!

Gratitude is a skill. At least in my opinion. Not a gift, not something that just shows up on my doorstep, but a skill.

I don't think it's a moral question. You're not "less" for not feeling it. I'm not "more" for feeling it. But the "pursuit" for happiness...doesn't just happen...it's got to be sought out. TV doesn't help. They persistently show "poor" people living in million dollar houses, people winning the lottery, the 1% of the 1% dressing in clothes worth more than millions of people own. My president's grandchildren recited Chinese that their Chinese nanny started teaching them at 18 months... I've never had money for a babysitter...

Spiral, I like you, but you seem to be doing things over and over that are going to lead to predictable results.

Whistle blowing is going to get you fired. Even if you do end up being the "hero", the chance of you getting the credit for it is less than 1% (despite all of the TV shows and movies that say otherwise). If you work nights with two jobs...you're bound to get confused. (A paper pocket calendar would really help.)

How I learned...yes...learned...to be happy. I started with 2-3 minutes a day. Decided for those couple minutes I'd be happy. I made myself tea (I really like tea...if for you it's water, drink water...or whatever). After those two minutes, even if I failed, ESPECIALLY if I failed...I rewarded myself with something small. Slowly worked to end the cycle of blaming myself for falling short, for being "less" than, for not being the perfect child/wife/friend/parent/person.

If none of this has helped (I'm often not the perfect support person either...) just ignore it, or I'll even delete it.

But just for me...make yourself a cup of tea. Enjoy your running water. Enjoy your refrigerator. Enjoy your (mostly) good health. Enjoy that your kids won't starve and will have water. Forgive yourself for not being the best child/wife/parent/support person... I can't change the world for you, but perhaps I can change how you see it...a bit.

If you stop and really look. My guess is that you're not nearly as bad of a person as you're afraid that you are... Really. It's okay to not be perfect. It is. (Oh and thanks for reminding me about the oil...my car needs an oil change too... No one yelled at me, but...shhh, I once screwed up so bad that I blew my engine...totally my own fault...I was working nights when it happened too...).

Big, big, big hugs, Patti

Sounds like you are having a hard time, sorry you are going through this . Big hug

My aunt used to tell me every dog has their day. Guess we've been waiting a loooooong time. Hope something breaks soon. Lots of support and hugs

I am sorry that you feel that way. I have going through that myself. I have lost both my parents a year and 8 days apart in the same month. You aren't a bad person; You are going through a tough period in your life and it will pass. Hang in there buddy and you are a strong person than you realize.

I don't do what I do to be the hero or to get attention or to get recognized, in fact I do not want any of that. I do it because it is the right thing to do to make this world a better place. If more people would stop and speak up things would be much better. It takes 1 voice to start a revolution. Right now we need a mental health revolution. I spoke up, and another person too, and now a third person is thinking about coming forward. I hoping that this will result in better mental health care for those using the community based model.

I don't like it when I get recognized for stuff. I got recognized at work today and we are suppose to pin it up on the bulletin board, it is still in my pocket. I appreciate being recognized, but I am humble and not a show off. I am no better than anyone else working their butt off at work. I don't need recognition to feel good about the job I do. I know I do a good job and that is all that counts.

Two I'm so sad to read your post but we each have to take responsibility for our lives. I don't wish to sound harsh but it sounds to me like your depressed. Depression is a natural response to an unhappy event and we all get depressed at times. But I really feel for you and I want to help you take back control of your life and feel better. I can't believe your life was always this way. It's time to move in a new direction. Please try to bring some joy into your life. You may not like this but it's no good blaming God or anybody else for the unhappiness in our lives. Sorry but the fact is all this comes about by cause and effect. Somewhere along the line you have made decisions that have caused some of this to happen. You took a job where you start work at 4am til noon if you don't like your job then you must leave - especially if your boss is so inconsiderate he doesn't realise you have not been paid! I'm not unsympathetic I just want you to have a better life and I know this will never happen if you continue to do more of the same. Nothing will change unless we change. I believe every problem really does have a solution. Don't be overwhelmed by your unhappiness. Instead, break things down into manageable slices. I know you can do this you just have to first accept that things must change. Please consider leaving your job the hours are unreasonable and unhealthy. Then I would suggest than unless you would starve you don't return to work until you are feeling better and in a better place. You deserve a break. Please also consider telling your husband you are unhappy so he is probably unhappy too so you are trying to make things better. He may be feeling worthless knowing the extent of your sadness and not being able to help you. You say he shouts at you but I suspect he is just stressed and feeling miserable too. Think about a time when you were both happy together. What changed? You can be happy again when things are different. You say you are disabled. What can you do to ease the pain, have you tried meditation CDs? Please get the help and support you need, speak to your doctor but don't take anti depressants instead have a holiday or take a week off work and relax. When did you last have a wonderful holiday? This is going to take time but I know you can do this is you move forward and tackle each problem. You need to work at one thing at a time. Look at how you spend each day, what can you do to bring some joy into your life. Would it be possible for you and your husband/family to go for a walk in the park or switch the tv off one night a week and play some music? Pamper yourself with a relaxing bath with just some candles and some music. What did you used to enjoy doing that was fun. There are so many things I could suggest they all involve learning to love yourself, relax more and getting your life in balance. You need to get enough sleep, eat a healthy diet and do things you enjoy. Yes, basically you need a new life because this is just not working and only you can do it. I won't tell you about my abusive childhood or my health problems I'm not going to tell you how my only child hates me or that I love and miss my grandchildren who I never see, or that I have been unable to work because I am traumatised by anxiety and depression. What I want you to know is believe in yourself, you are not your disability or your unhappiness. You are a beautiful person who works hards and deserves a happy life. Take back control of your life. Please don't allow allow negative thoughts to drag you down. We all get depressed and irritable when we don't get enough sleep. Please quit your job and solve that problem. Please don't say you can't, yes you can. What happens if you get sick and you have to leave your job perminantly? Sorry to sound so harsh but desperate people need to do desperate things sometimes. Decide you can do this. If I can do it I know you can too. Good things seldom seem to happen when we are miserable. When you move in a new direction I believe good things will happen to you. Please try to look to the future and remain positive. There is a new and better life waiting for you. All the very best of luck.

So sorry that you are feeling low! You sound like a person who works very hard at helping others! You do not deserve to be treated badly!

You also mentioned that you do not like to be recognized. I get that! You would rather be a "behind the scenes" person. I am a "behind the scenes" too. My heart has been broken so many times in the past by betrayals and abandonments, I overcompensate by giving to others and saying I expect nothing in return. Truth is I do want other people to show me appreciation and love. I had to learn to set boundaries and express my needs to others. Have you ever read any of Henry Cloud's Boundaries books. They really helped me and you might want to check them out.

You are on the right track! Keep posting, my friend!