Beatha, hate when the train travels that way. You have not failed every time you have wanted to do something outside. Might want to journal for an answer. Has sometimes worked for me. Healing and comforting hugs to a strong woman.

Gentle hug....

. Taking a prn and taking time to care for you isn't a failure.... You are doing what's needed and I think that's the wise and mature thing to do

Another hug and a blessing.....xo

Hugs back, SimpsonsOK and SunCloud.

SimpsonsOK, thank you for the hugs. I do keep a journal, however, and it tells me that this year, in all of spring and summer I went for walks three times and trained archery twice. Considering I try at least once every week, that's not something I can bring myself to feel content with.

Thank you for your kindness, SunCloud. Usually I would agree, only I have been taking prn more days than not for months (again, that's what my journal says). It's a benzodiazepine, so there's a risk for addiction and I don't want to take it that often. But I can't bear the flashbacks.

Sorry all, I'm really frustrated right now. I have therapy twice a week for now and hope it will help with the flashbacks.

(((((Beatha))))))
You didn’t fail in my eyes. You are doing the best you can while getting hit with something hard.
Be so gentle with you today, you are not alone
Sending you mucho support & gentle hug <3

Beatha, so sorry that happened to you but thanks for your courage to share it. My CPTSD crisis symptom is gagging and choking. I've had it ever since my traumas as a kid, and I've shared about it before but never heard back from anyone that they had the choking symptom, too.

It's really debilitating, isn't it? Just speaking for myself, getting through it doesn't seem like failure to me. It's really, really intense in my experience, I'm worn out when I get past it. Glad you did.

And glad you posted about it. It's the first time in my life someone else has described that very same symptom I have. So sorry you've got it, too, but thanks for the support just in sharing about it. Here's some support back to you.

Give yourself credit for self care. It isn't easy to keep at it every day and it may take some time with lots of continued attempts and ever present best intentions before you emerge on the other side. Relying on medication as prescribed and monitored by your doc is part of the process and nothing to feel shame or guilt over. Try to withhold judgement of yourself over using benzos when you need them. I used them until I no longer needed them and never had addiction issues (benzos). I understand physically debilitating flashbacks and frustration with frequently coping with them. I had flashbacks from childhood physical abuse from a violent dad while mom looked on then domestic abuse from my ex husband for quite some time before I finally found adequate treatment. Choking flashbacks are incredibly horrific and I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. It can get better. I no longer have those or any other flashbacks. I am no longer held captive by them. I occasionally mildly dissociate when under extreme stress but am usually able to bring myself back quickly with resourcing or a check in with my therapist. It keeps getting better the more I keep putting into the work. You are resilient. You are strong. Be patient with yourself and keep working slowly and deliberaty toward your goals and you will get there.

Thank you all for your support. I cried through most of today's therapy session and am incredibly exhausted. She will talk to my psychiatrist, maybe there will be a change in medication. Wish me luck....

Just to say this, because I mentioned fear of getting addicted: I'm careful with meds and always stay within the prescripted dosage. My therapist always knows how often I take prn, so it is monitored. I guess the risk is there but not unreasonable.

Hugs, all.

Hey Beatha, support being very careful with benzos, which is why my doc put me on buspirone instead. Sounds like you are not using daily, so reduces chance of addiction.
My earliest trauma involved mother almost drowning me under a faucet, choking and sputtering. My only EMDR session put me back there and scared therapist. Went to her for DNMS, but she didn't have her manual at that location.