Oh, I meant to say I added a trigger warning because this 'feels' like a normal situation to me but I 'know' it's kind of extreme. I hope that makes sense. I guess I'm saying it may be triggering for others but I think of it as the average Monday.

No, I remember all this.

Niece has a flaming case of BPD, she really is hurting herself to get attention, she needs to find other ways to get attention.

..the family is STILL reinforcing the idea that the ONLY way she gets help is to attempt suicide, which is absolutely crazy-making.

She needs to ask for help, not overdose in order to get help.

...a rather horrible thought...if she dies, they will blame you, though it was them reinforcing her self-injury through pills the whole freaking time.
I mean, the kid was being physically and sexually abused, and nobody could be arsed to do anything until she overdosed, right?
THEN oh my god! The whole family swooped in... *facepalm*.

She needs her pain validated? Pop a bunch of pills, and here comes the validation and drama!
Then she gets ignored for a while...until she does it again out of desperation! Whee!
She's not faking her pain, it's real, but she has no idea what to do with it.
..chances are if you make yourself available to her, she'll try to manipulate you too. It's the ONLY way she knows to ask for attention.

It's too scary for her to just say " I hurt and I'm lonely.". She got ignored too long. She has been shown time and again that nobody cares until she does something drastic.

...It's a f**king mess, is what it is. I have no idea how to stop this train wreck in progress.

Alan, what blue said, And I was not here before when you were, But your niece's family needs to get her help ASAP....this could be Post Partum Psychosis..serious, serious stuff plus her unresolved abuse and there is a Baby to protect as well. You should not be guilt -tripped...they should be focused on your niece and baby/ a really good Doctor.....I am so sorry...nightmare's are awful enough dealing with your own stuff, letters of blame...geez no!! Do I think this is an extreme circumstance...yes I do.....but what is her immediate family doing to help her?? My thoughts and prayers that the family leaves you alone, and puts the focus where it should be...getting Help for your niece and baby!! Much Support to you now!

Ditto BD, and ditto again, and again and again. THe niece's personality issues are *not* yours, and are destructive to those around her, and, as the Mama Drama of my own life recently showed me? Keep. The. Boundary. Once the boundary bends? It's usually *broken*.

This is a matter for *professionals*, and not *family*. For a reason. Family dynamics, as I've learned from my mama drama, can slip into some seriously nasty places without anyone realizing it until forced to, and some will do anything to keep themselves in the pattern rather than admit the shame-failure stuff, IMO. (Because I sure did. Have. *sigh*)

So, from my perspective? Yeah, what I saw as normal was, in fact, going totally wacky from outside POVs. (Adult services sure gave me a few eye-openers about my mama drama saga.) Keep the boundaries, Alan. If the family is as I recall from past posts of yours? They want a scapegoat-savior, maybe? And that's not your place.

Soft healing to you, and I am sorry to hear the flashbacks are hitting at you. Purrs of support.

I'm sorry Alan! No, that girl needs therapy! They don't need to be giving you a guilt trip, they need to be getting her some help and looking after that baby. When you get a letter from them just rip it up and throw it away and move on. OR send it back to them UN opened. Don't let them manipulate you like that. UGH!!! My heart goes out to you! Hang in there!!

Healing hugs of strength to you!!

You have been gone long enough that I am a bit hazy. . . Am I remembering this niece as having lived with you and your wife for a goodly while?

Just wondering. . .

I am all too familiar with the dichotomy of extreme situations being a normal part of my day. I keep thinking I will be able to get out of that loop, but the cosmos keep forgetting to ask my opinion before the hands are dealt.

As for navigating my way through them, I take it play-by-play, trying to balance instincts, compassion and knowledge as I go.

Gentle support while you work it out, Alan. Sure wish I had an easy answer, but you know what THEY say about wishes.

Ditto for me, too, Alan. She needs help. Be gentle with yourself, ok?

Thanks for the validation. Sometimes my in-laws tell me there's nothing wrong with my niece and there is something wrong with me. They say it so often, I start to believe it.

**TW**

This is the niece who stayed with us for a short while a few years ago. The big issue I have is the things she accused her stepdad of doing to her...including sexual abuse...was what my bio dad did to me when I was her age.

The whole experience shook me to my core. I attempted suicide at age 14 because my dad was abusing me and I couldn't take it anymore. When I saw her doing that, it ripped my heart out.

Right now, my in-laws are furious because I will not talk about why I'm so upset. I will not tell them I have PTSD. They don't understand so they just treat me like there's nothing wrong with me. It's like they will treat me like I'm ill after I tell them everything and explain myself. Like they are saying if I want their prying into my private life to stop, I'd better tell them or they'll just make it worse.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing to stay your distance. I'm all for people taking responsibility for themselves - go get the help they need instead of seeking to be rewarded for acting out destructively. I guess your niece learnt that this is the way to behave...
I was feeling suicidal for 20 years - the stronger it got, i would check into psych hospital. Sometimes the only thing i could hang on to was 'what would my suicide do to my landlady?' I had no family support at all during this. interesting.
You are an abuse survivor, and you shouldn't be expected to try and deal with something which only professionals can deal with anyway.
I can't help wondering, what the family thinks 'help' means. How do they 'help'? What do they expect you to do?

How can your in-laws understand if you do not tell them? Even after you tell them, it is a hard malady to understand. There are folks, like myself, who have lived with "it" for longer than they have had a name for "it" and STILL don't understand "it." It be a nebulous phenom.

My reactive nature makes it so that I cannot afford to keep too many secrets of my own. Your secrets I can keep because they don't spark much inside of me, but repressing my own secrets is kinda like letting a chain drag on concrete in a toxic waste warehouse. Drag-spark-boom. Drag-spark-boom. OSHA does NOT approve. Too much collateral damage.

For this reason, I just about wear my psycho-therapy (by whatever name is popular this decade) on my sleeve, more as a public advisory than my own wish, but I keep it open, all the same. It doesn't win me instant understanding from the people around me, but it gives me an easier out to slip away for a grounding exercise, or whatever. "Excuse me. I need to go do some program work." Still not always easy, but easier than reacting my way through yet another round of domestic drama.

Don't know if this has any bearing on your own dynamics, or not, but. . . Just felt a personal need to share "it."

Continued support while you sort, Alan. It sure is good to have you back. I missed you.

To quote your second post, Alan:

"Like they are saying if I want their prying into my private life to stop, I'd better tell them or they'll just make it worse"

Frankly, that reads as "If you're crying, thenb y God I'll give you something to cry about!" .... errr..... wait, wasn't I crying for a reason to start?!

With my in-laws, my husband told them. He said only I have PTSD, I have reasons, and don't push it. They've been baffled to respectful to eye-rolling (SIL, of course).... but it does mean I can say, "Look, there's a reason this triggers the PTSD reaction, and I need to avoid it." And get about 60-70 percent superficial respect if not actual understanding, and that's about all I can ask.

That said, I'm not sure why you'd owe them an explanation. The niece's behavior in the past, towards you and your wife, certainly merits keeping your distance, regardless of any other circumstances. IMHO, anyway.

I'm from a toxic gene pool, and believe me, that whole "oh but it's family" line is a great way to sucker people into the slop, but as far as I can tell from my dad's family, it's because misery wants company. thanks, but no, in my case.

Those are my two cents, use or discard or giggle at them, whatever.

Supportive vibes continue.