Talking to my tiny kids means talking to their Dad when they're with him.

He's been reasonable lately. Some of that is reasonable. Some of it is "reasonable," in that he's not a name calling, finger pointing, money hording, etc. person. But he's actually been a decent coparent this weekend. Didn't show up at doctors appointment or say "I want to meet you at the ER" when it was time to go, but he answered when I sent him a message saying, "Im about to call, she's not okay." And he focused on the facts, not on me. 

She was eating some and not throwing up at all, also drinking and actually putting out urine so I felt safe sending her to his house. She still didn't feel well and cried, "I want my mom" for most of the phone call last night. But as I expected, she was much better today. She's not a big eater as it is and she ate some. She drank plenty. Was jumping up and down and twenty minutes into our 30 minutes allowed time she said "I need to go potty" and I couldn't have been more proud. 

But some things that he says are triggers because he used to say them to me, condescendingly, even "sit still please." as I was trying to get up or away from him to avoid being raped. He did not yell it. He would calmly ask me to sit still. I'd ask him to let me go. This was not foreplay. It was after some other type of abuse had taken place or simply when he knew I didn't feel well and it could have waited. We had consensual sex in our marriage too, but expecially the last few years, there were too many encounters like this. Sit still please is such a triggering phase. I've gotten to the point where if I need to say it, I can without feeling filth....but to hear him say it? 

Yikes.

To hear him say it to my kids.

Double yikes.

Stay calm. Breathe in, slowly, now out, repeat. Focus on the tykes. 

Tonight he said that and "Please stop." 

That's something he'd say to me often as well.....

because whatever I was feeling was not okay, because needing space and trying to leave the room was not okay, becuase asking him to put me down and yelling it becuase I was not okay with his actions while he was angry, that was not okay to him. Nothing I did was okay. 
Please stop," especially the tone he uses, like he's so annoyed that he cant control the situation....youngest was trying to open the door to go see Nana and he said "Please stop." It sounded almost desperate and she'd really not done anything to warrant such desperation in his voice. 

His patience is so thin. 

Sometimes "Please stop," was accompanied by his grabbing me and preventing a very reasonable action

I just needed a space to share. I'm better tonight than I would've been two months ago had we had all this going on.

My self care was terrible while munchkin was sick. It's hard to take care of me, eat and sleep at least, when there's throw up everywhere and a need to visit the ER. And when sleep means sharing a bed with a sickling, who one night threw up on me, twice. It's been a hard few days and now....either I have the bug or my self care was so terrible that I'm totally depleted and dehydrated. I slept after work until the phone call and I'm going back to sleep after this post. Tomorrow is about recharging.

But not before saying I'm a mess.

I can't count on many people in my life to do what they say they're going to do so I'm very hesitant to trust that I'm even promoted. I have the uniforms. They fit. I'm supposed to wear them Monday, says the others getting promoted too. But I haven't heard it from my boss and I'm still waiting for him to say "I've changed my mind. You're worthless." I'm waiting for him to say "I didn't agree to that pay" or "that benefit." I'm waiting for him to prove to me that he's not who he says he is becuase one of the few people I actually trust a little bit is someone I clearly don't trust. 

So I don't trust anyone. 

I've clearly been isolating. Going to have to work on that. But when I'm feeling better physically. If you stuck it out, thanks for reading. I need DS. I'm thankful for DS. I'm thankful for you. Goodnight.